So, you have your new aspie and are wondering what to do with him/her. Depending on size and gender, some of these instructions may need to be followed with caution but we are confident that you will be able to get the best out of your aspie for many trouble-free years to come!
(Disclaimer: we are not responsible for any physical, emotional or financial harm that may come to you when following these instructions. Once unboxed, your aspie is not eligible for our guaranteed swappage and refurbishment policy. Please have a good look at the aspie through the window provided before unboxing).
1. Unbox carefully and without making physical contact with the aspie. Pull down the box using the flaps provided and allow them to step free by themselves.
2. Allow your aspie free rein, to explore their surroundings. For ease of capture, we recommend not unboxing in an area that is too large or too small. Open fields would not be suitable, unless you are a long distance runner. Small rooms are to be used at your own risk.
3. Do not ask the aspie what they want, until they initiate conversation as this is likely to set off the finely-calibrated temper-tincture.
4. When your aspie has stepped free of the box and begun to show some curiosity about their surroundings, then you may ask them if they would like a drink or something to eat. Offer one thing at a time, closely followed by the choice of drink or food.
5. Do not be surprised if the aspie follows you closely and makes it awkward to prepare the food and drink. Aspies are wary of physical contact but, quixotically, are very good at getting under your feet and being trodden on.
6. If you tread on the aspie, immediately accept responsibility. In no way blame your aspie, even if it was their fault, or you will hear about it for years to come.
7. Be prepared for them to choke/force down/suffer their food and drink as you 'did it wrong'. Note: You will need to have your aspie for many years before you are able to do their food and drink the right way, so do not worry too much about this.
8. Do not expect to introduce your aspie to your family and friends anytime soon. If you have already arranged a surprise get-together, to welcome them, then you are either very brave or have the hind of a Rhino. Good luck.
9. When your mother calls around 'as she was passing' to meet your aspie, do not be surprised if your aspie changes personality. As usual, extremes are in evidence and there will either be a switch to complete charm or the charm of a mosquito.
10. Be prepared for this first encounter to colour your aspie's relationship with your mother and everyone else you know for the foreseeable future. If your aspie was charming, then everything that happens afterwards will be your fault. If your aspie was a mosquito, then they'll never be able to do any right and that will also be your fault.
11. If you have romantic designs on your aspie, I suggest you develop an extra patience gene or take up the drink. You'll be needing both at some time, probably together. (Please note: we cannot offer detailed instructions on the best way to romance your aspie as everything we tried either worked or failed for no apparent reason. Again, good luck).
12. Sleeping arrangements: Your aspie must not be too warm, or too cold, too tired before they go to bed or too wide awake. You must not wake them just after they settled down, even if they weren't asleep to begin with. You must be able to tiptoe like Tinkerbell and be able to control and resolve every noise issue within a 50 mile radius. You must also keep an eye on the weather (wind blowing and rain tapping are the most difficult) and you must not snore or talk in your sleep as, like The Princess and the Pea, your aspie will be able to detect any noise you make from any part of the house, even if you sleep in a tent in the garden.
13. Computer arrangements: Your computer no longer belongs to you and you should ensure, preferably before your aspie is delivered, that you have the highest spec package in computer equipment and internet access that money can buy. Also, if you buy a laptop as well as a computer, expect the aspie to need that too, because the keyboard is better for long typing and you wouldn't want to be selfish and hog it to yourself, would you?
14. Pets. In general, aspies can be great animal lovers so have some hope your aspie can live in happiness alongside your furry friends. This advice does not always apply to big, jumpy dogs or biting cats, so if your pet is likely to initiate unwanted physical suffering on the aspie, do try to train the animal as well as yourself, on how to behave. (Note: biting cats will not be trainable, they will merely take greater pleasure in biting the aspie for fun. The cat will probably need to go live with your mother.)
15. Housework. You are on your own with this one. In theory and under controlled conditions, aspies are more than capable of doing housework and maintaining some order. In practice, this would mean leaving them a list; you remembering the list and explaining it to them; or being able to push forward with the list despite it being a prearranged chat-time with online friends, an anniversary of an obscure 80s game, the time of the day when they don't feel like it, the list that you made and they didn't so what happened to their list? and the very minute they were inspired to do many, many creative things which you now want to ruin with your typical selfishness.
16. Temper-tincture. As mentioned earlier, this is finely calibrated and you should avoid sudden movements or unnecessary disturbances. The tincture may need to be shaken up and run around the room with before the aspie is able to calm down. Occasionally, loud wailing, screaming, wall-biting and pandemonium must accompany the running around. Take cover until it is calm, accept full responsibility and put the kettle on.
17. Communication: Again, we have found many contradictions with this one and we think the aspie communication centre must be self-governing. We have tried to fix it many times and it reverts to a set pattern of stubborn awkwardness and the inability to process dull, practical information. We apologise for this and hope you will be patient with us. If you have any particular difficulties with communication, we recommend following the last instruction of number 16 (this is applicable to many situations, do not be afraid of overuse).
18. Making your aspie happy: Despite all the inherent difficulties outlined in our guidance, we firmly believe it is possible to make your aspie very happy indeed. The key is in following this list as accurately as possible while keeping up good communication with your aspie. You have not made an easy decision, in bringing your aspie home, but with some effort and imagination, you can have a rewarding relationship for many years to come.