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Keeping a close eye on myself

Yes, that's what I'm doing today. In fact, I'm watching myself like a hawk as I'm very close to veering off on a tangent and doing things which help nobody, least of all me!

My post about making my way in the world was full of good intentions not to run off in different directions, trying to make money in ways that don't suit my personality. Well, yes, I remember everything I said in that post but last night I found myself on a wholesale website.

Gosh, but I love those wholesale websites! Just like the Hoarders who fill their homes with bargains, I fill my head with all the loveliness that other people are sure to want to buy from me, at a profit. The items look so good and they seem to shine off the page, smiling with promises to do the right thing, this time.

I actually filled out a shopping basket and it was a sensible one, readers. It was mostly full of things I have bought and sold before, so for once I wasn't rushing in blind. And I even went back and deleted a few items, this seemed to prove to me that I was being level-headed about it.

To be honest, I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing in not ordering or in making the order. It's so hard to tell. I could list to you very good reasons why all the items I want to buy will sell and estimate how much profit I'll make on each. I can even tell you how I'm factoring in extra costs, so that I'm not left out of pocket.

Sounds okay, doesn't it? It does to me, too, except that I know me all too well. Either I'll have left out some vital detail which just slipped away down the back of the cosmic sofa, or I'll find that what sells once doesn't necessarily sell twice, by which time I'll have bought ten.

On top of all that (and the reason I became suspicious of myself), buying these things is FUN. Yes, fun and profitable, fun and sensible, fun and grown-up. Hmm, there seems to be a common theme there.

There is the suspicion that if it's fun it isn't proper work and probably isn't a good idea. If something is fun then I'm more likely to do it and by being more likely to do it, I'm also more likely to ignore any objections.

No one knows I've been clicking away on the wholesale websites again so there were no objections this time. The thing is, as I sold the same things last time, maybe objections wouldn't come into it. And there is my dilemma.

Am I now so untrusting of myself, so necessarily paranoid of my bursts of energy and good intentions, that I can no longer recognise a real idea, a good one, when I come across it? Is everything so clouded in what I've done wrong in the past that the plans which might work are passed over, just because I promised I would?

By trying to keep on the right track, am I actually harming myself this time? And how do you tell?

Normally, people tell the difference by discussing their ideas with other people but, like me, my friends and family now have an automatically negative reaction to my new ideas. Then, if they listen a bit more as I explain and ask for advice, I can make it sound just so deliciously good, they cave anyway and are swept along in the thrill of the moment and the hope for the future.

Where does the truth lie in all of this? For a non-aspie with judgement that doesn't waver off the road and end up in the ditch, then truth usually lies somewhere between the extremes. For an aspie, extremes are often the order of the day and the truth can be whatever we choose.

If the truth happens to be that I should buy these items again because they sold in the past, is my distrust of myself based on experiences with other ideas that didn't work or are my instincts telling me something? If I give it time, will an extra factor pop up, one I simply didn't notice before, that would prove those doubts to be right?

And I must tell you, readers, my doubts are small. They are only there in the first place because I suddenly recognised the happy glow I was feeling from the laptop as I trawled through the wholesale websites. It was an alarm bell and I stopped to look at what I was doing. Then, and only then, I wondered if I was doing it all again.

This next fortnight, I have lots of jobs to do with my writing. I have a fiction book to bring to life, a poetry book to complete, a non-fiction book to polish off and I'm also working on a book based around this blog (ta-da!). None of these endeavours will bring me instant money, though hopefully they will be popular in the future. I do wonder if my brain threw in the lure of the wholesale sites to steer me off doing any or all of the above?

Am I trying to get myself off track, due to the fear of success? Am I more comfortable in the familiar behaviour of trying something new and hoping for the best, instead of staying where I am and making that everything it could be?

Am I, in fact, self-sabotaging? And if I am, why the heck would I do that? I love writing, I love the whole process of it, from the first word to having the book in my hands. I could just kick myself, readers! Would I really be so shamefacedly silly as to risk that, again?

Maybe I would, or maybe I'm going off on another tangent and blaming myself for all kinds of things when what I should be doing is congratulating myself instead. You see, unlike all the other times, I stopped. I saw myself and stopped before I clicked Buy. I hesitated and thought about it, making time for me to step back and decide if this was a plan that would help me or something else that would sit in a box in the corner of my bedroom.

I still haven't made up my mind but, for now, I'm holding back. I'll wait and see what happens when the glow has worn off and I've consulted people who know me at my worst. Then I'll wait some more and, with a bit of luck, spend some of that waiting time doing what I'm supposed to do and write the books!

Watch this space, readers. Cross your fingers that the next few blog posts are not delayed as I wade into the warm, welcoming waters of ebay selling. If there is any delay, just hope I'm sitting there, lost in new worlds and seeing the grand adventures of my characters as they battle themselves and other evils.

After all, isn't that what we all do, every day?


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