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I would help...but I'm an Aspie

Isn't it funny how, when people need you the most, you feel like slapping them and running off quick? Or is that just me?

I'm sorry if that makes me sound a horrible person. Think that way if you like. I know plenty of aspies would agree with me, that the idea of being helpful and useful is immensely attractive but the reality feels like pressure and gets the old legs moving.

I'm often reminded of geeky, cosplay Craig, a character from Malcolm in the Middle. He adores Lois for years, always dreaming of a time when he can be the one she turns to in a crisis, knowing that will be when she looks at him and recognises he is her perfect man.

His hour finally arrives when Lois is going into labour and doesn't have time to get to the hospital. Craig sees his chance to be a real hero! Except, his idea of helping and being a hero is Googling for information on home deliveries. By the time he finds anything useful, Lois is having the baby, helped by her daughter-in-law instead.

You see, in reality, aspies are much more like Craig than a 'real' hero. We have grandiose ideas on what we can do to help, then when it comes to it, our limitations shut down like a a submarine hatch and we are separated from the doing and back to the observing.

This looks, from the outside, like we have backed off and been worse than useless. The very moment when someone needed us for more than internet research or well-thought out advice, and where were we? As far away as possible, is the usual answer.

If we do have to help, or find ourselves in the middle of the situation without any choice, we behave as well as we can, mostly wearing the kind of smile you get when small, grubby children try to stick their fingers in your mouth and their parents are close by.

I offer no excuses, we're a lacklustre bunch who, faced with the pressure of actually being there, rather than imagining being there or being only an email away, want to run off and come back when it's all blown over.

At the very least, when the zombie apocalypse comes, there'll be a fair few aspies who survive. Our ability to hole in for as long as possible, surviving on repetitive food and avoiding other people will finally pay off. I'm not sure what we'll do when hand-to-hand combat happens, but hopefully by then one of the holed-up aspies will have found a cure for zombies and we can use them as our worker drones in a brave new world.

There, see, even major apocalyptic disasters can be solved with a little foresight. Call me anytime you need a plan for the zombie apocalypse, planetary meltdown or if you just need to know how to get an angry cat in a cat box.

Do hesitate to call me if you have made yourself bleed or you need to weep on someone, for many hours a day, while you get over your broken heart. I, erm, might not be in. I know I'm always in, but, erm, I've been really, really busy with...stuff. I can let you have this really useful website though! And anyway, why not just get back together? That would work too. Must dash...


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