The invisible obstacle




I'm managing everything right now - and it worries me to even say that. I can't help but wonder when the crash will come and if it will be a big one or just a stumble.

I've taken on more work, I'm looking for new students, I have a book to finish (I actually have about 5 to finish but I'm prioritising). I have an extra youngster to look after at home, my mother is working herself into the ground again, the car has an oil leak and we might need to go to the vet.

I'm managing all this and I even take the dog on his morning walk, clean my shoes, put petrol in the car before we're in danger of coming to a stop and I have even, readers, even been doing the housework.

So, having thrown all these balls in the air, something is bound to come down sooner or later.

I'm not being pessimistic, honestly. Part of my problem has always been a reckless optimism, filled to the brim with the belief that I can do it all. I know from experience if I just push ahead without admitting how big the 'all' is, then I come a cropper.

It starts with the sense that I've forgotten something, followed by a dragging fatigue as if I'm pushing a giant, invisible object ahead of me wherever I go. I can't be bothered to go out today, it's too much effort to push that thing around. I can't pick up the book today, that big, invisible obstacle is in the way.

And it is invisible. I can see everything through it, all the jobs I have to do, the responsibilities waiting for me to be a grown-up. There they are on the other side of the invisible obstacle, their images ever so gently altered as I view them through this self-made barrier.

I know the only way to get past this obstacle is to wait it out and try to restructure my life yet again. It's like a self-confirming lesson that you don't know is on your timetable until the bell rings. Here we are, ready to learn how our shortcomings will impact on life today.

Shall I shirk responsibility? Shall I disappoint, upset, confuse or run away from people? Shall I be here, right in the middle of everything, when I have my meltdown or will I make it home first? Or should I have it in the car, away from home, and then wonder if I'm safe to drive back?

So many choices and such diversity! The one certainty is that it will become too much and I'll have to slow down. I might find myself using that invisible obstacle to rest against, welcoming its cool surface and immovable nature as I sink down onto it, face turned away so that all I can see is the blessedly dull wall beside me.

Here I am, then, powered to do what I can and to try new things. One lesson I have remembered is to make the most of this phase. Appreciate the times when anything is possible and use that confidence and energy to fulfill as many things as possible while I'm unhindered and uncomplicated.

I have complete confidence in myself, just now. I can do anything, at this moment. I am a person of authority and talent, right this second. I am full of optimism, readers and also hope. This time, as I slow down, I'll slow down with the obstacle instead of pushing it everywhere until I'm worn out. That's my plan and, of course, it cannot fail.

Amanda
  

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