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Showing posts from August, 2014

Aspergers is ridiculous

Sometimes I think Aspergers is all about realising that difference is not a negative, it is just about being an individual. We are all individuals, every one of us, aspie or not, nice or not, funny or not, fierce or not. Every person is an individual, it is just that human beings have this tendency to cluster together.

Each family has its own routines and rituals, a way of doing things which is considered right. Sometimes the family is aware they are different from other families; more often it never occurs to them, as this is the way things have always been done.

Each society is like this too, a big family with a way of doing things. A set of behaviours that makes the society feel it is a whole entity, that each person within it belongs. From more obvious behaviours such as not slapping complete strangers to more subtle ones like knowing when to give up a seat on a bus.

If society as a whole states, outright or by implication, how we should behave, then so do our own families. This …

I'm not shouting, it's just the voice I am using.

I was trying not to annoy RT Teen yesterday. Trying and failing. We needed to talk and it involved RT listening and (evil mother that I am) answering questions. Yes, I wanted the ultimate exchange - a conversation that produced answers.

I started by gently introducing the topic. In other words, I tried to sneak up on RT in the hopes that we would have sorted it all out before he noticed I was asking him questions. Except that he noticed before I'd finished my first sentence and interrupted me.

'Let me finish-' I said, still not able to finish as he interrupted me again to say,

'I was letting you finish!'

'But I didn't get to say anything!' I replied, immediately sidetracked from the Golden 5 Minute Chat.

'Yes, you did!' he accused and then repeated what I had said.

By this time his voice was raised and he sounded exasperated. I managed to stop him but then spoiled it all by asking him to calm down.

'I am calm!' he bellowed.

'You don…

Life is quicker than the heart can tell

I've been thinking that pressure and troubles cause a kind of inertia, a feeling that I need to hide away until they pass. I have wanted to hide away but now, after another difficult day, I think that's all it was - a want. In reality, the situations I've had to experience over the last weeks and months have caused not inertia, not this immovable and unchanging state, but more of a blurred, overactive way of living which moves so fast that it pretends to not move at all.

The heart is tricked like the eye into thinking this blurred illusion is not properly seen, that it is a static fiction which doesn't move and cannot be altered until I am ready to stand up and face it. Instead what both the heart and the eye are looking at is a cruel trick of life where there is so very much going on at once, the senses are unable to take it in.

Time after time, issue after issue, problem after problem and all superseded by an overarching unwillingness for life to go smoothly, pushin…

This is my quiet place

It's a quiet place where I don't have to sit, hunched, arms over my head, eyes closed, everything frightened of being disturbed. It's total silence and no door to be opened or window to be peered through. It's alone.

And then it seems that my thoughts have voices of their own and come, unbidden, crowding round me, just as much as real people would. They are real, they are what went before and what might have been, populated by all the true or ungenerous souls I have known in my life. And many I didn't know for long enough.

Somehow, this lasts longer than I thought, my struggle to hear their voices matched only by my difficulty in staying still and allowing this one-sided conversation to take place. This is my quiet place until I have absolute privacy and then it becomes the arena where all that troubles me is worked out, thrashed into submission so I can understand it and defeat it.

I am still sitting here, exhausted now, trying to rest between times when I can th…

Why do we have to be understood?

I know a lot of this blog is written so that non-aspies can understand the aspie in their life, without always having to wonder what their best beloved is thinking or feeling or doing. Okay, that being said, what is so wrong with being incomprehensible? Why do we feel the need to be understood? Why do we care?

Frankly, I think it's time to set down our tools and take a break from making the world understand us. Who cares? Why should we need to open ourselves up so that other people can go away happy, understanding us more and seeing our reasons for being as we are?

Why should it matter that I don't want to go out today? Why should you care that I don't want to go to work? Why do I have to explain what I meant when I said what I said? Why do I have to explain that I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, when I have explained before?

Why do we have to be comprehended? What is so wrong with being mysteries? And who does it really benefit if we make ourselves understood?

I s…

Do aspies laugh?

Well, the short answer would be, only when we find something funny.

'Do aspies laugh' was one of the search terms used to find my blog recently. I imagine the person searching was confused by their aspie's stony-faced reaction to something mega-hilarious and obviously irresistible. Or perhaps the aspie said the hilarious something was funny, but then didn't laugh?

It must be confusing to people, in a world of comedy, when a person doesn't laugh. Laughing at funnies is a great big part of people-pleasing, even if the only people nearby are the ones in the cinema audience.

Showing you share the joke also shows you understand the joke and understanding and sharing the joke means you also share and understand your fellow humans. To not laugh at something everyone else seems to find funny sets you apart and tickles some instinct in others, that you are not the same and might be untrustworthy.

I've had the joke explained to me before now, in great detail. It's a…

An aspie at work: everything will be fine once you get there

The aspie stands at the door, ready to go but mournful in the extreme. The clothes are in place (finally), the hair is brushed through, the face as clean as it's going to be without getting the cloth and washing it yourself. And still, there they are, just like they must have been at five years old when they didn't want to go to school.

'I don't want to go to work,' they say, like a sad robot on repeat. The shoulders slump and they wait, dejected, for you to throw them out into the cruel world.

'I know you don't,' is all you can say because, after what seems like hours of negotiation, you have reached the point of your aspie leaving for work and you don't want to jeopardise this success by showing any weakness.

And even so, after all these years of practice, you let slip the worst comment you could.

'It'll be fine once you get there,' you say, in a cheery voice, opening the door.

The aspie turns, aghast, every eye-widening muscle on ove…

What's so hard about Aspergers?

This isn't a question people ask you very often. What you are asked instead is:

'What's so hard about going to the party?'
'What's so hard about going to school?'
'What's so hard about going to work?'
'What's so hard about talking to your cousin?'
'What's so hard about talking to me?'
and, the favourite,
'What's so hard about remembering one little thing?'

What's so hard? If asked, do you give a long, detailed, enlightening answer and know you have improved communication between you and your loved one? Or do you wave your arms in the air and cry, 'Everything!'? Or somewhere in the middle with, 'How many times do I have to tell you?'

I think it depends how often you have explained yourself or even how well the other person has seemed to understand, before today, when it seems they never understood at all.

Why is it so hard for other people to remember what we tell them? And know that what w…