Skip to main content

What we see by the light of logic.



When we feel we have no control, there is a helplessness born of terror. How can the world be a safe place if we are powerless? How can we step safely if the way is strewn with dangers? What are we meant to do to stay safe if other people seem to lead us constantly into cold, hard paths with no sunlight above?

At the age of 7, I walked into school with a box of matches and a plan: I would stop the bullying and the never-ending stream of fear by making the school go away. I was calm and I knew it would work.

I never meant to hurt anyone (and no one was hurt). I planned it so that the children would be out in the playground. I thought that meant the building was empty.

In the end, I burnt a poster and the edge of some books. And, finally, people took notice of me, but for all the wrong reasons.

I had no control over going to school and, after telling everyone about the bullying and nothing being done, I knew it was up to me to stop it. It seemed logical that with the school gone, I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. And I had suffered. My childish plan to solve the problem was never going to turn out well but I have finally forgiven myself for hatching it.

The trouble is that logic can be an untrustworthy substitute for real resolution. Logic is a soothing alternative to emotions, especially as logic seems easy to work out whereas emotions just kind of happen by themselves.

It can be very tempting to say to yourself, Today I will not feel this problem, today I will solve it. You don't know if you can solve your problem but approaching it logically is such a relief after all those feelings washing over you for so long.

Feel bad about a tricky situation? It's logical to walk away, as that removes you from the situation. If you let your feelings rule you then you stay in the situation and flail and cry and kick at stuff until you felt better or cry yourself out. Give it over to logic and you can depart without all the drama and be safe.

Feel bad about your job and don't know how to make it better? Normal logic says you can't walk away because you need the money and grown-ups don't walk out of paying jobs. But logic driven by the need to keep yourself safe wakes you up early one morning and says, You don't need to go back to work, there are other jobs and anyway, you know it isn't going to get any better.

Whether it would get better or not is not important to you at this point because the application of cool, undramatic logic has given you the excuse to leave and feel safe again.

It seems that logic can be manipulated to suit your own purposes; I guess it becomes self-justification when viewed from the outside. But from the inside, logic is safety and safety is a vital lifeline amidst the aspie maelstrom.

From meltdowns to major life decisions, selfish logic carries with it the promise of release from the latest anxiety and freedom from the inherent threat of more crises later on.

Aspie logic, when applied to aspie life, means this is what I do because this is best for me. It is a selfish logic built up over many years of not being kept safe any other way. If you are the only one who realises what feels safe and what is dangerous, then you are also the only one who knows when it is time to do something about it.

You see, in a lot of cases that faulty logic which has you making strange and impractical decisions is your only way to keep safe. It is what means you can go to bed and sleep, knowing in the morning it will be a new day and not just another dark, old one.

The light of logic is not always the most trustworthy one: it can glimmer and touch your life in a way that picks out strange aspects in the everyday. It makes you follow it, glittering along the dark path ahead. It promises you gleaming treasures which, when viewed in the daylight, are simply what you had already.

Logic is a beautiful light, though. It takes you on when your emotions would have left you in the dark. Who can help but love such a light, when it is the only one you see?


Amanda




My books and writing blog, with free stuff.
Find me on Facebook.and Twitter!

Popular posts from this blog

Spotting an aspie adult

Have you ever wondered how to spot an aspie adult, at a distance, without having to get too close? It would be so convenient, wouldn't it? To be able to detect the aspieness before you are drawn in, before there is any danger of becoming part of their mad world and waking up one morning, trying to work out where it all went wrong and what happened to all your socks.

Bearing in mind there are always exceptions that prove the rule, here is what you should look for.

In the supermarket I often wonder if I have spotted a fellow aspie. Walking along the aisles, it's easier to people watch than shop, usually because I've forgotten what I need. The supermarket is a good open space where you can spot aspies as they grapple with the complex practicalities of staying alive by food shopping.

The walk: Yes, from a distance or as they pass by, the walk is a dead giveaway. It seems to veer towards extremes, either a fast paced booster effect from A to B, or a meandering wander with no vi…

A Guide to your Aspie

So, you have your new aspie and are wondering what to do with him/her. Depending on size and gender, some of these instructions may need to be followed with caution but we are confident that you will be able to get the best out of your aspie for many trouble-free years to come!

(Disclaimer: we are not responsible for any physical, emotional or financial harm that may come to you when following these instructions. Once unboxed, your aspie is not eligible for our guaranteed swappage and refurbishment policy. Please have a good look at the aspie through the window provided before unboxing).

1. Unbox carefully and without making physical contact with the aspie. Pull down the box using the flaps provided and allow them to step free by themselves.

2. Allow your aspie free rein, to explore their surroundings. For ease of capture, we recommend not unboxing in an area that is too large or too small. Open fields would not be suitable, unless you are a long distance runner. Small rooms are to b…

Your life, on screen...required viewing for aspies and friends

I come to you today a wiser woman. Aren't we always saying, how good it would be to see ourselves as the world sees us? Well, thanks to a new Japanese anime show, I did just that. For the first time in my life, I saw what I look like from the outside.

Readers, this is not a paid review or anything officially linked to the Watamote, the anime. This is purely my response to something which, hum, how can I put it? Well, if I tell you that I sat through the whole show, with an expression of horror and recognition on my face, would that tell you how it was?

IT Teen had told me to watch it. He bought the manga first, the Japanese version. He waved it in my face and said, 'This is about yoooo!' I remember scowling at the book cover, to find a edgily-drawn girl scowling back at me. Yes, already it was accurate.

IT told me that it's a 'slice of life' story, all about this socially awkward girl called Tomoko. I thought, well, yes, I am socially awkward but that doesn…