When we feel we have no control, there is a helplessness born of terror. How can the world be a safe place if we are powerless? How can we step safely if the way is strewn with dangers? What are we meant to do to stay safe if other people seem to lead us constantly into cold, hard paths with no sunlight above?
At the age of 7, I walked into school with a box of matches and a plan: I would stop the bullying and the never-ending stream of fear by making the school go away. I was calm and I knew it would work.
I never meant to hurt anyone (and no one was hurt). I planned it so that the children would be out in the playground. I thought that meant the building was empty.
In the end, I burnt a poster and the edge of some books. And, finally, people took notice of me, but for all the wrong reasons.
I had no control over going to school and, after telling everyone about the bullying and nothing being done, I knew it was up to me to stop it. It seemed logical that with the school gone, I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. And I had suffered. My childish plan to solve the problem was never going to turn out well but I have finally forgiven myself for hatching it.
The trouble is that logic can be an untrustworthy substitute for real resolution. Logic is a soothing alternative to emotions, especially as logic seems easy to work out whereas emotions just kind of happen by themselves.
It can be very tempting to say to yourself, Today I will not feel this problem, today I will solve it. You don't know if you can solve your problem but approaching it logically is such a relief after all those feelings washing over you for so long.
Feel bad about a tricky situation? It's logical to walk away, as that removes you from the situation. If you let your feelings rule you then you stay in the situation and flail and cry and kick at stuff until you felt better or cry yourself out. Give it over to logic and you can depart without all the drama and be safe.
Feel bad about your job and don't know how to make it better? Normal logic says you can't walk away because you need the money and grown-ups don't walk out of paying jobs. But logic driven by the need to keep yourself safe wakes you up early one morning and says, You don't need to go back to work, there are other jobs and anyway, you know it isn't going to get any better.
Whether it would get better or not is not important to you at this point because the application of cool, undramatic logic has given you the excuse to leave and feel safe again.
It seems that logic can be manipulated to suit your own purposes; I guess it becomes self-justification when viewed from the outside. But from the inside, logic is safety and safety is a vital lifeline amidst the aspie maelstrom.
From meltdowns to major life decisions, selfish logic carries with it the promise of release from the latest anxiety and freedom from the inherent threat of more crises later on.
Aspie logic, when applied to aspie life, means this is what I do because this is best for me. It is a selfish logic built up over many years of not being kept safe any other way. If you are the only one who realises what feels safe and what is dangerous, then you are also the only one who knows when it is time to do something about it.
You see, in a lot of cases that faulty logic which has you making strange and impractical decisions is your only way to keep safe. It is what means you can go to bed and sleep, knowing in the morning it will be a new day and not just another dark, old one.
The light of logic is not always the most trustworthy one: it can glimmer and touch your life in a way that picks out strange aspects in the everyday. It makes you follow it, glittering along the dark path ahead. It promises you gleaming treasures which, when viewed in the daylight, are simply what you had already.
Logic is a beautiful light, though. It takes you on when your emotions would have left you in the dark. Who can help but love such a light, when it is the only one you see?