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Releasing a tame aspie into the wild

This information is designed to guide you but should not be taken as the only way to naturalise your tame aspie. Caution is advised in any situation where an aspie is released into the wild for the first time as their usual response to wide, open spaces full of nature is one of abject terror and incomprehension.

Your good intentions in rescuing your tame aspie have brought you to the goal you have planned for months: finally, it is time to release your aspie into the wild and hope they can fend for themselves.

To ensure this is a happy experience for you and as stress-free as possible for your aspie, please consider:

Training your aspie to feed itself

This can be a long process but is ultimately rewarding. Start small and guide your aspie towards bread and butter, then work up to jam. Buy cheap jam as you will lose a lot in misguided attempts to use a knife as a spoon.

Work up to cooking hot meals. These will mainly only be warm or incinerated for a while as your aspie is either too impatient to wait or forgets they are cooking.

Try not to rely on pizza as a foodstuff and introduce your aspie to using more than one pan/tray at a time.

Do not try leaving your aspie alone with a cookbook: contrary to what you might think, it will not encourage them to do the whole process from start to finish just because it is written down. More likely, the book will be ignored because the font is wrong and the pictures are badly contrasted and the instructions have no basis in fact.

Survival skills

Your aspie will be aware that the wild is a dangerous place. Try to persuade them not to base their instinctive reactions on Zombie-Feed 6 and Planet of Terrorrrrrr!

Equip them instead with a map of the relevant wild area, a quick link on their phone, a written note reminding them to use the map and the quick link and a gentle push to get them past the front gate.

Make sure they are aware of the usefulness of little old ladies in getting them where they need to go. Aspies are naturally suspicious of anyone else in the wild, but little old ladies are often the best first request for help as they appreciate being asked and love to give advice.

Do not let your aspie bring home any little old ladies they find in the wild. Life is complicated enough.

Getting around

Explain to your aspie about the useful but potentially terrifying power of public transport. Furnish them with another map, complete with highlighted areas and make sure they know which trains/buses not to get on.

When your aspie returns full of accusations against you because they have spent three hours on the wrong train/bus, try colour-coding your highlighted areas so they don't automatically choose the routes you told them to avoid.

When you have to collect them from Hambilam East at midnight, consider training them to use taxis.

Wild, romantic encounters

It's entirely possible that, once out of the confines of their tame environment, an aspie's attentions may turn to romance. This is only natural but does bring with it some significant challenges for the tame aspie.

As with Survival Skills, make sure your aspie does not base romantic encounters on those portrayed in their favourite video games. Instead, hand them a copy of Pride and Prejudice and hope for the best.

If your aspie tries out their own brand of romantic engagement, do be prepared to find yourself housing two tame aspies instead of one. Aspies have a tendency to run for home when going through new experiences and their new love will most likely follow. With any luck, you will now have someone to take care of you and your tame aspie for the next few years. If it doesn't work out this way, do be prepared to build on an extra room for all the gaming equipment.

Try and try again

Aspies going out into the wild are timid and fearful of danger. They need the security of home while knowing the wild world waits for them. Do be patient with the many returns your aspie will make as they learn to cope with new challenges. It is always better to welcome your aspie back then help them leave again than expect them to leave all at once and end up being eaten by wolves.

If all else fails...

If your aspie becomes stubborn and is determined to be tame forever, consider how important it is to live in the wild world. Has your aspie got it right? Should we live inside, where it is warm and safe and the internet is always on? Is this not better than the cold outdoors with intermittent wifi and internet cafes where people actually expect to socialise instead of just using the internet?

If your tame aspie has tried the wild and done their best, consider that they have become too accustomed to life where it is peaceful and safe. Leave your efforts on simmer for a while, then try again. It is always worth trying again because the next time your aspie might realise they do like the wild, it was just that you were doing it all wrong and now that they have a system, everything is fine!

And when they return again, with or without love, with or without little old ladies, with or without the shopping you have been waiting for since 11am, then open the door and smile as they clatter through. Sooner or later your tame aspie will go out into the wild again and this time they may remember the milk.

Put the kettle on in anticipation and enjoy your much-deserved relaxation. Right before your phone lights up with the Hambilam East area code.


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