Feelings are so last universe.




Give me a really intense, intellectual concept of our place in the universe, with variations allowed for alternate universes, and I'm there. But hurry me when I'm processing a personal feeling and I'm lost. One simple, human concept such as having a feeling when it is felt is so much harder than a giant, grandiose idea of humanity and infinite wonder.

What is it with the aspie brain that uniquely human problems like feelings are so easily felt by the majority? They may still laugh and cry, but they do feel them and at the time they are meant to be felt.

Me? Well, I'm feeding the cats right now and - pause for a check of the feeling - and then I need to get ready to go out and also when am I going to walk the dog? - another pause, shorter this time.

Somewhere later and in the middle of a sentence about rotational symmetry, I'll suddenly feel an affinity with that little shape, trying to turn and be the same shape but in a different place. I understand how that shape feels; I just don't understand how I feel.

And then much later when it is dark and I'm driving home, the lights over the hill take me back so many years to other dark nights when I was too small to know about older, shadowed universes and instead knew this one and the very big feelings within it.

The small me grew out of feelings too strong to countenance and turned to the shadow universes where everything becomes possible and is so readily accepted and understood.

I know that I feel because sometimes, when I forget to think about it, I cry or laugh unexpectedly. And I also know I feel because I love very much and understand that people love me. What I cannot do is bring things together very often, experience that melting pot which mixes many emotions into one livable stew which means a usual person.

In this case, my own person likes one feeling at a time, where it can be seen and examined and possibly set to one side until I need to look at it again. Between now and then take me to other lands where it all makes sense just by thinking about it.

And feelings? I think, perhaps, they are too last universe for me.

Amanda




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