I thought I was impassive. I thought I walked this earth wearing the same face every day, only managing a proper, true expression in times of great feeling or by accident when I turned my ankle.
And then I tried making a test video for YouTube.
Yes, I know I was bound to be self-conscious and it wasn't exactly a reliable experiment but...
There's no two ways about it, I seem to have the Face Pulling.
It was like watching a Pixar movie only the dog didn't talk. Every inflection had a mouth shape all its own and when I really needed to make a point, my face made the point without needing the words. With the sound muted it could have been mime - and I hate mime.
Where did this come from? When did it start? Has it always been this way?
I know there have been plenty times when I wanted to show emotion and gave the performance of the leading stone at the Stone Awards. I could have wept when trying to express myself: not only did my face stay frozen, my voice also sounded flat and monotone.
Knowing these things to be true, where did the gurning, mouth-twisting, eye-balling creature on the video come from?
I can only assume I grew into it. At some point in the last few years, I must have shed enough inhibitions for the Real Me to burst free when I'm talking. (You know, I'd have appreciated a bit of warning).
It's rather like going through life thinking you're supposed to be Mary Poppins then catching sight of yourself in the mirror and realising you're actually the Wicked Witch of the West. The moment of horror as you see the real face looking back is very quickly replaced by the sense that now you know who you are, you can do anything.
Instead of flying by umbrella and dating chimney sweeps, I can live a single life full of many pets and do just what I like.
No, perhaps I'm getting carried away. Do I really want to make faces instead of hiding my emotions? Would I not rather keep my real self hidden and safe, private from these strangers and half-known friends who would see my every thought as I thunk it?
You know what? I'm so far past Mary Poppins these days that I don't mind if I show how I feel. Let them see it! If I think it, I can show it and what does it really matter?
Also, readers, this does explain why people are sometimes nervous of me. Now I know, I'll be sure not to frighten them anymore. Honest!