tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88667886278002892342024-02-19T07:24:41.143+00:00Crazy Girl in an Aspie WorldAuthor of 'A Guide to Your Aspie' and 'How to Talk to Your Aspie'Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.comBlogger309125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-65062256972966392462024-01-25T18:57:00.005+00:002024-01-25T18:59:42.085+00:00The trap of being told what to do<p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholyt70SiC7TmvtQBv8dLRsfe19y-ngoTY5KlRRMKTrDUA3c8IifGgJHq9qSj1rr2jMUgXIFAyiycIT2V9K90jO9XBmPeduT8Y-u18KdtYF0ddse36xEeZN-vEya7byF5wrHkw7Rh9KpqaKLYcbs7QYhWs7iwCtl8YZpKoKeoEldVHdQg1GLsXFmyDg9aU/s2000/shouting%20s.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="2000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholyt70SiC7TmvtQBv8dLRsfe19y-ngoTY5KlRRMKTrDUA3c8IifGgJHq9qSj1rr2jMUgXIFAyiycIT2V9K90jO9XBmPeduT8Y-u18KdtYF0ddse36xEeZN-vEya7byF5wrHkw7Rh9KpqaKLYcbs7QYhWs7iwCtl8YZpKoKeoEldVHdQg1GLsXFmyDg9aU/s320/shouting%20s.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal">It's incredibly easy to fall into the trap of letting others
tell you what to do.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">With bitter experience comes the feeling that you have no idea what you
are meant to be doing while other people, real, grown-up sorts of people, do
know what they are doing. And then it's a short trot over the road to walk on
the opposite side to where you'd hoped to be, all the while thinking,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">'It's okay, I can still see my side of the road. Look, it's right there,
parallel to where I am.'<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Can anyone see the issue with this? It's not enough to be able to see
where you are supposed to be, you are actually supposed to be there!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Please don't think I mean you should never take advice or accept help from
people who can make life easier for you. Please also be aware that you are
still a whole person of your own making if you choose to not take that advice,
or not do as you are told.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">People, you know, they often don't mean anything by it. They see me there,
wrangling with the ticket machine and it's either help or miss the starter, the
opening cartoon, the first song, the connection to the airport, the blowing out
of the candles, Uncle Joe's last words...<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">No, no, I'm starting to feel guilty now. Where was I?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Yes, struggling with the ticket machine, usually. Helping with that is a
kindness, but it's also a temptation. If I need that sort of help then I
definitely need advice about which coffee shop to go to, or book to buy, or
house to rent or...everything.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And I'd be tempted to take the advice, because I suspect myself of being
permanently on the point of falling down some hole or other.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Then, one day, I realise I’m being told what to do and it feels rubbish.
It creates an uncomfortable sense of not being where I thought I was, or quite
who I thought I was; that familiar sense of disconnect as life thunders on and
no one else seems to hear the noise of it doing so.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Stop. Think. Do you know what you want to do? Would you like to think
about it? Do you just need one second to consider your own options?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Would you like the chance to do the above and then still be able to ask
for advice without it feeling like directions?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Hold your own hand for a moment. Have a closer look at the other side of
the street. It might not seem too easy to get back over there; maybe you could
cross somewhere safer, further down the line. But how about having a
conversation about crossing? That person next to you, the bossy one who seems
to know what they are doing, maybe they could cross with you, too, and see how
things look from your side, for a change? Or maybe they could just see you over
and wave once you're safe?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Maybe you've been walking on your own for a while, on that wrong side, and
the person telling you what to do isn't here anymore? Only their voice, held
deep, constantly remembered, brought up when you think you are alone, making
you unwilling to travel by your own quieter, less thundering pace.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Dear, <i>dear </i>friends, if you have a voice like this, it’s okay to listen and
then cross to your own side of the road. It’s your road, your direction, your
feet doing the walking, and your time to be spent there.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><span data-darkreader-inline-bgcolor="" style="--darkreader-inline-bgcolor: #181a1b; background-color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">Amanda</span></p><p></p><p><span data-darkreader-inline-bgcolor="" style="--darkreader-inline-bgcolor: #181a1b; background-color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;"><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a data-darkreader-inline-color="" href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C7PIQAW" style="--darkreader-inline-color: #52b1ff; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;" target="_blank"><img alt="A Guide to Your Aspie" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-waGUsTSAcyY/XAOnU9Ni7PI/AAAAAAAAP6A/oUyXP_MQsiwstCIv_P6hoDFgbpqyID6YwCLcBGAs/s200/A%2BGuide%2Bto%2BYour%2BAspie%2Bnew%2Bcover%2B.png" width="133" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; 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font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span><span style="display: inline; float: none; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Find me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Girl-in-an-Aspie-World/377759358967028" target="_blank">Facebook</a>.and <a href="https://twitter.com/crazygirlaspie" target="_blank">Twitter!</a></span></span></span></span></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-20135025123834494532022-08-06T12:51:00.003+01:002022-08-06T13:00:09.768+01:00The Nostalgia Trap<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Hi1NLU-XXkWfZzpV7NeurRWYrZbX67cw9chuYwgm7cX1dzuFwr2O6dfUijVSC1rNLPt-rVSSZQ0ept2C42f-lV-PtPTDnu5vUK7_p1JumlrOVsJfQtu2MBysYzj2vgn4nQIOagzOxMoVpFk04gZiExRuriZ9HjkgfehxrqETyDfot5UTc0jfSM8-xg/s4014/Nostalgia%20blog%20girl%20suitcases%20attic.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2989" data-original-width="4014" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Hi1NLU-XXkWfZzpV7NeurRWYrZbX67cw9chuYwgm7cX1dzuFwr2O6dfUijVSC1rNLPt-rVSSZQ0ept2C42f-lV-PtPTDnu5vUK7_p1JumlrOVsJfQtu2MBysYzj2vgn4nQIOagzOxMoVpFk04gZiExRuriZ9HjkgfehxrqETyDfot5UTc0jfSM8-xg/s320/Nostalgia%20blog%20girl%20suitcases%20attic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">I find nostalgia extremely hard to resist. This is a part of hoarding but it's also a form of caretaking. I feel a responsibility to look after things with perceived value - usually emotional value. And this includes things that have never belonged to me but which did belong to someone who once cared about them. Even if that person no longer cares, I want to keep the once-loved thing safe, as if I'm also caretaker of the now vanished person who loved the thing. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">This is one simple interpretation of why I, as a parent, keep things that mean nothing to an adult child, even things they may never have been too bothered about. But also tiny items which recall our time together when the child was small and I was their much younger mother. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">It sidles on to include others in my nostalgia trap, people I might never meet again or who are complete strangers. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">I have been guilty of buying old books in charity shops because someone once loved them or loved the person they gave it to, inscribing their name inside. An unknown stranger to another unknown stranger; and then the third, me, keeping it when the other two lost it or let it go. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">People long dead, with no backstory, absolutely no reason for me to worry for their once-loved thing.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">This is not quite what I am struggling with today.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">A plastic folder lies on the bed in front of me. I'm trying to consider it rationally, this inanimate object, yet there are childish stickers all over it, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121;">set in artistic dilemmas front and back</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">. The stickers are t</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">he kind a young teenager might choose, one not quite grown out of stickers but old enough to organise their artwork. I loved this teenager but I haven't seen her for a long time. I have the folder. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">It isn't needed by her or me. No one needs this folder, or the stickers. There's no artwork kept safe inside it. I have a bag for rubbish, a bag for keeps and a pile of recycling. This folder is rubbish. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">I've touched the stickers, I've leafed through the empty pockets of the folder even though they're transparent and I can see they're lifeless. My idea was to save those personal things she might eventually want back and to get rid of the rest. I know she won't want this back. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">I don't need it and a responsibility to nostalgia is not the same as wanting something. It's a careful duty, a nod to the perilous nature of life; an understanding that each of us, careful, careless, loving, cool, intemperate, every single one of us has held something and recognised in it a meaning that is more than the item possesses by itself. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">I'm saving the rest of it. I'm not the right person to throw away another's clutter, old loves or left behinds. Get someone else to do it, a person who never pauses at thresholds. I've heard of those people, I believe they're supposed to be everywhere. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">Mind you, it was one of those types who put the folder in the bag in the first place, and then gave it to me with the words, "I know you'll want to keep this for her." So perhaps they're not as common as I thought.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">Amanda</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-weight: inherit;"><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C7PIQAW" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;" target="_blank"><img alt="A Guide to Your Aspie" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-waGUsTSAcyY/XAOnU9Ni7PI/AAAAAAAAP6A/oUyXP_MQsiwstCIv_P6hoDFgbpqyID6YwCLcBGAs/s200/A%2BGuide%2Bto%2BYour%2BAspie%2Bnew%2Bcover%2B.png" width="133" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00LYDXDR4" style="color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj34XQLZu1YnkJA46kHMmiThZ5wEhPUjM2FcEWir7JTclAye8IJVESTr8esWfgOz9eWVNeaKg0wwoTrtFxvL4I0xU7C40QR_kDobBZ79fB2N1Qvhi66NxY4cW47IN3bq28aqAhIsbq-gtcS/s200/How+to+Talk+to+Your+Aspie+new+cover+AMAZON.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07JY9ZVGL" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; margin-left: 16px; margin-right: 16px;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cK3nnkyZsi4/XTWirJk8AOI/AAAAAAAARUI/D8l63HpK9_U_OA9VMLpjiIUFcebgyGHJwCEwYBhgL/s200/Aspies%2BHate%2BChristmas%2Bcover%2BAMAZON.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;">My <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Amanda-J-Harrington/e/B009K45K48/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1" target="_blank">books</a> and writing <a href="http://freebrians.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">blog</a>, with free stuff</span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: #000120;"></span></span></div></div><p><b></b></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span style="color: #000120;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Find me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Girl-in-an-Aspie-World/377759358967028" target="_blank">Facebook</a>.and <a href="https://twitter.com/crazygirlaspie" target="_blank">Twitter!</a></span></span></span></span></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><p><br /></p>Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-10462386135774876312021-09-08T00:46:00.000+01:002021-09-08T00:46:05.456+01:00Are we friends yet?<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sgm_nPUA59Y/YTf3tIcS9aI/AAAAAAAATSg/cXNM2bOX2nQLSkyyV8YGFiQsV1lEHPI_QCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/best%2Bfriends%2Baspie%2Bblog.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="1355" data-original-width="2048" height="424" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Sgm_nPUA59Y/YTf3tIcS9aI/AAAAAAAATSg/cXNM2bOX2nQLSkyyV8YGFiQsV1lEHPI_QCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h424/best%2Bfriends%2Baspie%2Bblog.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>They say an important part of a new relationship is being able to turn to one another and ask, "Are we okay? How are we doing? Is this love?"</p><p>But what about friendship? Can we talk about that?</p><p>It doesn't seem to be an accepted part of a new friendship to ask the other person if we are friends. I think we're meant to 'just know'. Yes, there's a familiar concept. 'Just knowing' accounts for many moments of utter incomprehension and social terror.</p><p>It's easy to meet someone and feel you are on friendly terms, have things in common, enjoy great conversations. Is this friendship? How are we supposed to know? Do acquaintances not do all the same things?</p><p>(What even is an acquaintance compared to a friend?)</p><p>What about people we work with, when do they become friends? Do they even count? And what is a work friend compared to a friend friend? What happens if they leave or we do? Is that the moment we find out, once and for all, it was a friendship of convenience, of the situation?</p><p>It's such a dilemma. For those of us who might like to make friends but who find it hard to fully understand what motivates other people, what they mean by their behaviour or their words, friendship can become a guessing game where we hope we are guessing the right answers and are not running alongside yet another acquaintance who uses the word 'friend' as easily as the word 'hello'.</p><p>Good news, though. I found a way around this thorny dilemma, and you'll be pleased to hear it's a simple fix. Super simple, in fact - the best kind of fix! <b>Just ask them</b>.</p><p>Yes, this was my solution, used accidentally. Blurted accidentally - as opposed to the usual blurting which surely must be on purpose as I do it the whole time.</p><p>I made a friend, I thought. The talking, the getting along, the jokes, the sharing stuff about our lives. And then without thinking I asked, "Are we friends?" Turns out we are.</p><p>Of course, people might say it to be nice (stop being nice, please just be honest) but, I think, most people answer direct questions when asked, especially if it's a more unusual, unexpected one like, "Are we friends?"</p><p>It might feel like a childlike question; it certainly felt like that to me when I was obsessing over it later that day. Yet, you know, as time passed I was really glad I asked. Why not find out right away? Why not put aside the doubt?</p><p>The terror might still be there, I'm not going to lie to you. What if they say No...Or, worse really, Let's see how it goes.</p><p>Hearing 'no' would not be so good, but still the doubt is done with. However, hearing 'yes', that's a great thing. A new friend!</p><p>A new person to share things with, explain things to, introduce to my favourite books and confuse with my ridiculous metaphors and strange facts that have been waiting to pop out in conversation. Yay! Welcome to being my friend! Please still like me by the end of Week 2.</p><p>No, no, we're not going to worry about Week 2. New Friend won't even notice Week 2, 3, or any of them because friends don't count the weeks, or the days.</p><p>Sometimes they count the years, if we're lucky. And then they're lucky too.</p><p>Amanda</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C7PIQAW" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;" target="_blank"><img alt="A Guide to Your Aspie" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-waGUsTSAcyY/XAOnU9Ni7PI/AAAAAAAAP6A/oUyXP_MQsiwstCIv_P6hoDFgbpqyID6YwCLcBGAs/s200/A%2BGuide%2Bto%2BYour%2BAspie%2Bnew%2Bcover%2B.png" width="133" /></a><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div><p><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00LYDXDR4" style="color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj34XQLZu1YnkJA46kHMmiThZ5wEhPUjM2FcEWir7JTclAye8IJVESTr8esWfgOz9eWVNeaKg0wwoTrtFxvL4I0xU7C40QR_kDobBZ79fB2N1Qvhi66NxY4cW47IN3bq28aqAhIsbq-gtcS/s200/How+to+Talk+to+Your+Aspie+new+cover+AMAZON.jpg" width="133" /></a></div></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00LYDXDR4" style="color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;" target="_blank">How to Talk to Your Aspie</a></div></div><p><b></b><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cK3nnkyZsi4/XTWirJk8AOI/AAAAAAAARUI/D8l63HpK9_U_OA9VMLpjiIUFcebgyGHJwCEwYBhgL/s1600/Aspies%2BHate%2BChristmas%2Bcover%2BAMAZON.jpg" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; margin-left: 16px; margin-right: 16px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cK3nnkyZsi4/XTWirJk8AOI/AAAAAAAARUI/D8l63HpK9_U_OA9VMLpjiIUFcebgyGHJwCEwYBhgL/s200/Aspies%2BHate%2BChristmas%2Bcover%2BAMAZON.jpg" width="133" /></a><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div><p><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;">My <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Amanda-J-Harrington/e/B009K45K48/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1" target="_blank">books</a> and writing <a href="http://freebrians.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">blog</a>, with free stuff</span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: #000120;"></span></span></div></div><p><b></b></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: left;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span style="color: #000120;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Find me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Girl-in-an-Aspie-World/377759358967028" target="_blank">Facebook</a>.and <a href="https://twitter.com/crazygirlaspie" target="_blank">Twitter!</a></span></span></span></span></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><p><br /></p>Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-9950687041671100462020-12-01T00:35:00.000+00:002020-12-01T00:35:45.780+00:00Feeding the Cake<p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_IliOzL63iXd2x2NUG53ft9xXY7GZYhcIJsun0zHPNBG0yvNwe3a2cmDbvQHAM9D2kX3lkEzUCGvC-jTG9BctgZAdeKT3-OY82hj91sTfXfPynDOVE7J1Fkx02kqaFsME8RszPDJ6Qqbp/s2048/cake+christmas+tree+CS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1365" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_IliOzL63iXd2x2NUG53ft9xXY7GZYhcIJsun0zHPNBG0yvNwe3a2cmDbvQHAM9D2kX3lkEzUCGvC-jTG9BctgZAdeKT3-OY82hj91sTfXfPynDOVE7J1Fkx02kqaFsME8RszPDJ6Qqbp/s320/cake+christmas+tree+CS.jpg" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">When I was a young mother, I had a copy of the Delia Smith cookbook. It was my rock. I thought, 'If I do what Delia tells me, I'll get it right.'</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">What was 'it', though?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Well, it was special cakes for the family; homemade biscuits from an idealised, childhood picnic; savoury delights to make the kitchen shine; roast dinners like real mothers made. The list goes on.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">At once synchronised and separate from my idea of motherhood was an image of myself as someone who could create a vision of parenthood in food made the right way, served at the right time, presented as if I had not suffered making them.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">The highlight of this would be the Christmas Cake.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">According to Delia, once you had gone through the mysterious stages of mixing (which was really just lots of mixing), the cake must be put away to rest and mature before Christmas-time. Periodically, according to a calendar, it must be brought out and fed with more alcohol to make it taste moist and rich like good Christmas cakes should.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">It might be interesting to note I do not like fruit cake, and hate marzipan. My only rebellion against beloved Delia was that I left out the marzipan. Everything else I followed, even though I would not eat the cake myself.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">I fed that cake. I brought it out with a concentrated, earnest look on my face, carefully measuring its latest tipple, feeding the cake and watching, satisfied and fascinated, as the alcohol soaked into the top of the cake.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">This cake looked like a real cake, the kind other people made, one that could sit alongside same-cakes and look the same and not be picked out as anything different.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Christmas came and I brought out the cake. There is no exciting mishap to this story, or dramatic revelation - in the way of revelations, dramatic or otherwise, they come later, in quiet moments, long after any cakes have been eaten.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">I put icing on it and decorated it with little figures denoting the kind of white Christmas pictured in storybooks. I still have the tiny, bristly, dark-green fir tree which sat off to one side, near the snowman and far from Santa.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">My children didn't eat the cake. My husband had some, eating it in a distracted fashion as he walked round the kitchen getting his lunch ready for work. I ate a small piece, duty-bound after the weeks of waiting and feeding. I mainly ate the icing.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Visitors ate the cake, but politely as everyone eats the same cake at Christmas-time and there's no virtue in them. The cake hung around, ready for late January visitors, kept from dryness and old age by the recommended feeding. February, my husband was still taking it to work with his sandwiches.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Eventually, the cake dried and I got rid of it. I moved on to other projects from Delia Smith's cookbook, still pursuing my dream of the perfect kitchen experience and the need to be a proper mother who could do these things. Each time I picked up her book, I felt Delia was a friend to me and so many other people like me. She spoke simply and advised against dangers, trying to make sure her readers could repeat what they saw on the page. I appreciated her homely advice and her implied empathy.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Years passed and so did the book. It was a sad day when it was too old to continue. I was a different mother by then but I remembered my favourite recipes - and Delia's words of advice - long after the book was gone.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">That big, thick book full of the secrets of mothers who knew what they were doing was a comfort to me, but looking back I see it was also part of the problem. If I could do it right...well, fill in whatever else comes with that sentence.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">If I can be a good mother, a good wife, a real person, a proper adult.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">If I can fulfil my potential, stop making mistakes, remember what I forget.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Work harder, hesitate less, remember it right, hold my tongue, hold my heart.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Speak up, speed up, get a grip.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Be thoughtful, be grateful.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Try more.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Smile.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">I was so busy trying to smile the right way, to smile at the right moments, to feed the smile, to make the smile mature and be the kind of smile people expected, that I forgot I could smile without all of this, and</span><span style="font-family: verdana;"> laugh too. I did not need instructions.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">There is no prescribed method, don't believe it. No big book on the shelf, dusted with floor or bent at the favourite recipe. There is no list of full ingredients or instructions capable of truly fulfilling you. There is the sense instead that a person, like that big old cake, must be brought out at intervals kindly and timely, to be looked at and fed whatever nourishes them, before being returned to that place of rest and accomplishment.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Feeding the cake is re-making it, recreating an idea borne out of one set of ingredients and forming it into something else, related to the first yet different, synchronised yet separate.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Feeding ourselves is an act of renewal, even if at times we think there is no change, that we will always be the person we are now.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Unlike a set recipe, the fruit cake, swiss roll, lemon drizzle, apple upside down or Victoria sponge, people can be made and re-made, re-created into new, dazzling versions of themselves, into darker incarnations filled with glittering frosting and sprinkled with shadow jewels, into sheer, shining, glazed announcements, far removed from their first inventions.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Amanda</span></p><p><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C7PIQAW" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; 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font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; 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font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-align: center;"></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: &quot; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: #000120;"></span></span></div></div><p><b></b></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; margin: 0px;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span style="color: #000120;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Find me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Girl-in-an-Aspie-World/377759358967028" target="_blank">Facebook</a>.and <a href="https://twitter.com/crazygirlaspie" target="_blank">Twitter!</a></span></span></span></span></span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-26982725159182093972020-04-04T14:59:00.000+01:002020-04-04T14:59:40.885+01:00It's okay to be a child<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's okay to be a child at times like this. It's a time of not knowing enough about the world, of wondering what might happen and who might be safe and who is not safe.<br />
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It's like that point in childhood when you realise, suddenly and with a lurch of dread which never really leaves you, that some beloved people die and are never seen again - followed too close by the realisation that it might be you who leaves. Then, the wonder, the strange, dreadful curiosity about where people might go; with answers meant for a child moving on to answers meant for an adult.<br />
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Where are we now and where are we going?<br />
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Children feel afraid when something unknown happens. And there are more unknowns in a too-big world where unknowns can easily hide. Children build worlds out of what they know, or hope, or feel they want to be true. These glorious, shining worlds are almost perfect and yet, even as children, populated with customary villains gleaned from storybooks or our family, placed there in particular so we may have power over them.<br />
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Back in the real world, children have no power, not even over themselves let alone the unknown or the villains. Instead there is the pretend, the built world, the book next to the bed, the bricks next to the toy box, the place in the garden used for a fort, the space under the table that is a submarine, the wall next to the road where the world goes past and does not stop.<br />
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The world of a child is huge and tiny at one and the same time: as huge as a childish imagination can grow it and as tiny as the space in the palm of a small hand holding a ladybird before it takes flight and is discovered to be a winged beetle after all.<br />
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A small world, examined closely, and held near.<br />
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It's okay to be a child in a small world held close. It is fine to patrol your own rooms, to have places for your treasures, to peek out of the window at the world beyond your wall. It is just fine to have a favourite drink and a best meal and to think yourself deserving of them after a day filled with play.<br />
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It will still be okay if you are afraid and fear lives in the real world and not the pretend.<br />
The lurch of dread, of knowledge full of giants and no beanstalk, is also passing. It is a <span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">large world out there, with the giants</span> and a little world here, in your walls.<br />
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Set your fears to one side, just there where you can see them if you want but also where they will be safe while you fill your day with childish things. Let them be, though, you don't want to spend the day with fears, do you? Let's do some other kind of day instead.<br />
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Let it be small and filled with treasures; with light through a gemstone hanging in a sunlit window; a shine caught on a trumpet; the gloss of a painted, home-made house; the thin, black wheel of a go-kart made for one but fits two.<br />
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Let it be the size of day you can hold in the palm of your hand, no matter how big your hand might be these days. And let it be the sort of day the child in you can hold close, even if you can't hold it forever. <span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Let's keep close to our child-sized world, for now, when we need it.</span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
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And let's still be surprised when the ladybird flies.<br />
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Amanda<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-87412058670668791512020-01-26T17:50:00.001+00:002020-01-26T17:52:49.629+00:00Real People<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mdWXlarnAg/Xi3RCAhkcxI/AAAAAAAASc0/KAz8O7GiFOkEHGGOD-WBzbkkFMVQxmiBACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Ignorance%2Band%2Bwant%2BCC%2BContrast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="360" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mdWXlarnAg/Xi3RCAhkcxI/AAAAAAAASc0/KAz8O7GiFOkEHGGOD-WBzbkkFMVQxmiBACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Ignorance%2Band%2Bwant%2BCC%2BContrast.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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What do real people do?<br />
<br />
In my mind they pay bills on time, they know when those bills are due; they have calendars and look at them and remember they have calendars; they take their kids to clubs, remembering to sign up and pay for the club and also what night it is; they come to meetings because the memo was opened, noted, remembered or, more likely, known about because they sent it.<br />
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Real people at large know how to step off pavements with imminent success and historically never have cause to remember the consequences of doing so incorrectly. They go in the right door, come out the right door, meet me coming in the wrong door and are inclined to hold it open for me because I look confused.<br />
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Real people can work coffee machines and know not to take their pennies to the arcade, they use a water machine without incident, know where their eyes linger, do not get lost in the smallest shop. They go on grown-up, real people holidays to sunbathe by the pool, have a few drinks at the bar, make holiday friends never seen again. Real people are less likely seen falling off foreign pavements or crying at a spot where long lost people died.<br />
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Real people iron their clothes and know where their socks have gone. In fact, the socks of real people do not go anywhere, except into the ironing pile to be found the same day when they iron their dry clothes and put them away, ready.<br />
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Real people watch the news all the way through and separate their own lives from it enough to watch it all the way through again the next day, ad infinitum until they are old or the world ends.<br />
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Real people have pay checks they fully expect and understand, homes with mood lighting, a place for everything and de-clutter without thinking about it, or because they visited me and it reminded them to de-clutter.<br />
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They love as much as I do, care as much, want the best for their loved ones just as much. They can care about me and I can care about them. Their imaginations can work, they can visualise an unreality belonging to them. They can sparkle as well as being real people.<br />
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They are loveable, reliable, consistent in their approach to life. I value them as I value anything which makes the inexplicable manageable. If I have a question, I can ask it of them and be answered, always supposing it is a question on real people topics. I would not risk asking about the limits of human existence, or whether the soul wriggles while trapped within us, or how many alternate universes they have created by erroneous decisions: even though it may be good to think of such as these.<br />
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Real people may vaguely wonder aloud about volcanoes or, bless their hearts, weather systems and be taken aback when I answer their thoughts and add more, and then even more. They will be unusually ill-equipped for my conversation, with no idea how to exit this point in time alive with the imagined sound of magma-driven eruptions flowing about the room. But they will know about volcanoes or weather systems by the end of it, and also know the weather for next week, as I will have diverted.<br />
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They will offer me coffee from the coffee machine they can work and remember what I take with it. They will ask if I am okay, or try to catch me as I launch from the pavement. They will notice I have failed at ironing and, if my boots are not tall, that I fail at socks also. They will be forced to turn on full lights as I cannot see by mood lighting and a few weeks running must tell me which door leads to their kitchen as their home only reappears to me in its full reality once I am back inside it.<br />
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They will think first before mentioning volcanoes or weather systems in my hearing, not realising until far too late how much I know about guinea pigs and the Golden Age of Hollywood.<br />
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Like planets in a revolving, turning, momentarily-precarious arc we will pivot about each other, seeing first this face and then that and sometimes blocked out quite completely by the invasion of a bigger sun or lonely, wandering moon, gazing at our surfaces on either side of an expanse, able to pick out the main features, the brighter moments, the way the clouds scud during the day. And sometimes, space, sun, moon, meteors permitting, our arcs will arrive at the right place at the right time so we pass close enough for our eyes to widen and see that we are both real people, it is only the topography which differs.<br />
<br />
The arc widens, we roll off and they see a sun while I stare at stars. Next time we view each other from our mutual distance, we remember that second of close passage when details hidden by atmosphere and storms were suddenly visible, immediate, and rich with the sense that a short reach might bring us to the point of touching.<br />
<br />
Amanda<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-84943488041890440722019-12-18T16:31:00.000+00:002020-01-26T17:45:42.483+00:00People Pleasing and the Fear of Being Yourself<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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People pleasing? Call it masking, if you like, this need and ability to appear like everyone else. We talk about it in discussion groups, commiserate that we cannot be open, or have been masking for so long, where is the real me?<br />
<br />
You can call it what you like. Try masking, try people pleasing. Or let's try Fear.<br />
<br />
Fitting in is not about fitting in, especially not in childhood. Who really cares about being the same as everyone else when they are very young? We are told this is the case, that people want to fit in, but it's more that we copy at a young age, to learn how the world works - very different to trying to fit in.<br />
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People pleasing helps us fit because by pleasing people we make life easier for them and, it seems, also for ourselves. By not getting on the nerves of teachers, we achieve whatever we need to achieve with that teacher at that time. Perhaps we want to be included in a treat, or not told off, or be complimented, or make the teacher happy or, worse, be ignored. Let's bundle it all up into being ignored, because, in the end, people pleasing is about not being in danger, being on the right side of the fence, where it is safe.<br />
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At home we please people by doing as expected, as asked, as told, and not getting things wrong by being clumsy or misunderstanding or not being good for anything and what use are you? Families come in all sizes and fits, but being on the spectrum makes life complicated. People pleasing negates this, attempts to take away the anger or dismay directed at us by covering up the mistakes, by pretending we are the same: all is well, we are not a problem.<br />
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I generalise, but by generalising I hope to put across the idea that people pleasing, often used as a description of those who need to exert more influence over their own lives, is actually a fear reaction. If someone is likely to be angry with you, especially if it happens more than occasionally, you want to make them happy and not shouty. You want them to like you so that even if you botch up yet another thing, they will love you.<br />
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The idea that they might love you and also be shouty or dismayed or incredulous or plain exasperated does not occur to a child. Someone who shouts or has one of the above expressions to match their feelings is reacting to you, who loves and relies on them. The shouty face takes away safety and makes the world expand til there is little you and enormous empty spaces where safety used to be.<br />
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Be like others, be what is wanted, warm up the temperature, cool down the mood, keep an eye on the barometer of the other person and be determined to avoid the unsafe, fearsome reactions of people faced with what I have done wrong.<br />
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- and how much worse is it if I don't know what I have done wrong?<br />
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Better keep watching more than ever: list the faces made when something is amiss, to be forewarned; keep an inventory of changes before a storm and be ready always for that storm; make a picture in my head of the time it went wrong and try my ever-most hardest for it not to go wrong again.<br />
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Please them and avoid the fulfilment of my fear, because the saddest part of being a people pleaser is not that I avoid this fear, it is that I live with it daily and merely avoid the flowering of it, the fruiting of it, the terrifying conclusion of it coming to pass when my pleasing fails and the storm crashes in regardless.<br />
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The irony of people pleasing is always that the fear I work to avoid is compounded by not knowing properly how to avoid it, how to truly reflect what others expect. I can only make a fair approximation of what is expected and how others behave; the real me is forever a few steps removed from this point in reality. And by fearing to be myself I carry this other fear, of imminent disaster, with me wherever I go.<br />
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Then years pass and some age happens, and I move slowly through layers of understanding and come to realise I will never fully understand how to please other people, and therefore will never fully be safe from doing whatever it is that makes each singular person react negatively towards me.<br />
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I made a compromise with myself, readers.<br />
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At some stage, while I wasn't looking, I decided that I would only please so far and no further. I have no wish to unbind the power and fury that rests beneath a frightened heart, I have no wish to make others feel the fear I felt all these years. Instead, a little at a time, imperceptibly mostly and sometimes suddenly-at-once, I shuck off the pleasing and go on as I should have done before.<br />
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One step, two steps, less studying for danger and more watching where I am going. More enjoying the sights around me and less expectation of fire and storms and vales of tears. The fear, when it rises up, may come with me too but it is carried rather than fought with. I cannot say a complete no to fear, not after all these years. I guess my last vestige of people pleasing is to recognise fear and let it stay alongside me.<br />
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As for the real people in my real life? If I please them, lovely, off we go, ready for anything. If I don't please them? Did I hurt them? Did I say sorry? Did I, in fact, do anything at all and is their reaction, in fact, everything to do with them and not me?<br />
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Did I say the wrong thing? Did I unexpectedly fall over them? Did I hum a weirdly apt but inappropriate tune when they annoyed me? Did I anger them in some inept, creative, clearly-presented way that is obvious to them and just as obviously not to me?<br />
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Was I, in other words, wholly myself at the wrong moment and not a people pleaser at all? Well then, there we are, proof if none other were needed that people on the spectrum are human after all.<br />
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And on the bright side, by losing the people pleaser you gain a whole new real person, one who may be standing on your shoe right now but will forgive you for being too close to them in the first place.<br />
<br />
Amanda<br />
<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-92024055249394207402019-09-17T22:12:00.001+01:002019-12-18T16:05:29.314+00:00Planning Everything<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-P2UE-sDnK6E4GqZXYrsQqAco2XxkGkeHQ0Z-a-qj0Kn5JI3FTzRHrfh1W7JH_euIMMy26P5vcG0eesDPv_2A1lVOK6O8yhIXd4x0ibJ4eXTTueWAwTL76e6wy3Gi_7CMXEXMt0RoG7DA/s1600/Woman+upside+down+in+sky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-P2UE-sDnK6E4GqZXYrsQqAco2XxkGkeHQ0Z-a-qj0Kn5JI3FTzRHrfh1W7JH_euIMMy26P5vcG0eesDPv_2A1lVOK6O8yhIXd4x0ibJ4eXTTueWAwTL76e6wy3Gi_7CMXEXMt0RoG7DA/s640/Woman+upside+down+in+sky.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I'm planning the trip to the vet. I've been many times before with the same cat, we come every 10 days, this isn't the last time - except it is, and I don't realise it.<br />
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I know where I'll sit, I always sit by the door. Unless there's a new receptionist, I won't have to say who I am or that I've brought Custard. Going somewhere a lot decreases planning.<br />
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If I can't sit by the door, I'll go round the corner but there might be someone hidden by the screen and I won't know til I go round, so I plan to not care if I need to turn around and come back, or stand. I plan that I won't sit down if it's too crowded.<br />
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I plan according to which vet it is, the Treatment vet or the Holistic vet. Both kind, both with mine and my cat's best interests at heart. Still I plan the conversation, to tell them about this, to explain that, to ask this one question I haven't asked before.<br />
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What to say if I am told it's time to let him go, how to explain I need it to be done at home, how I cannot drive from here without the cat I raised from birth. How to explain his last moments need to be in our living room, on my knee, on the blanket I keep for him - I planned this far ahead too.<br />
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The vet appears at her door and it's the Holistic vet who sees past the public face of me. She comes across the room to carry in the cat basket and to look at me kindly before we have even spoken. I wish she was my friend.<br />
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She is my friend for these moments and my planned conversation is peppered with her care, her weighing of my words against what she sees that I cannot keep hidden, in the unspoken pause as she looks at my beloved cat, standing between us, waiting for me to take him home.<br />
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Having fooled no one, I leave and go onto payment. Planning this is simple: keep the card, keep any cash, expect a certain amount depending what he was given this time. Other plans depend on which receptionist. Glorious, golden Angela is my hope, but if it is someone else I adjust and fall back on plans for a less familiar face. I make Small Talk, pay, heft the big cat basket and go back out to the car.<br />
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Put him in, an infinitesimal stop in my gaze as I take in the sight of Custard, still in his cat basket and coming home one more time. Yet more reprieves, yet more trying.<br />
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More nights and days planned around him and what I can do, what on earth can I do, to keep him going, keep him happy, try not to deny when he thinks it is time and be kind to us both. To honour his courage and steadfast cheer, at the same time as not falling apart myself.<br />
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Get home, follow the simplest plan of taking out his basket, depositing him in the living room, updating my son on our latest visit, putting the basket away and going out to the back step to stand for a few minutes in the sun-filled yard just being this person who made it through the morning.<br />
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Later, I plan what to do with the rest of my day, consciously and subconsciously mapping scenarios, hopes, maybes, the unexpected becoming known as I plot it out and hope I have covered every base in my inordinate, exquisite, painfully precise approach to life.<br />
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Without planning there would be less chance of holding in the voice I keep for myself when the vet asks me how I am, how Custard is doing, do I want to carry on with his treatment. Without it I would have no energy to cope with the untouched plate of cat food or the way his face turns back to sleep.<br />
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Without this minutiae existing in my head, he would not have made it this far and I would be in pieces, scattered across the almost-years between the cold November day of his diagnosis and the 21 months he lived instead of 3.<br />
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Without planning, I am another person. I am the woman who stands in the bathroom after making the final call to the vet, after realising our journey together was over at last. I would, without planning, be that woman screaming silently into the sink so that no one else in the house can see, and so I can come out afterwards and hold him, following the plan of his final minutes.<br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Planning did not prepare me for the time spent in the bathroom having my temporary breakdown. It did prepare me for after when I needed to be there one last time for my little cat.</span><br />
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Planning stands guard between me and the void in that next step, holding my hand as I wobble from one point to another. The blurred future is a mirror swinging into a door as I run close enough to go through it. Intricate forward planning imagines I am not running and have a chance to look behind the mirror as it moves.<br />
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It is not stressful to plan; it is impossible to live successfully without it. Comfort, confidence lies in knowing what may come, relies on no surprises and knowledge of what could be rather than what is. I don't expect to know the future, I plan ahead in the hopes that the future wears one of the faces I imagine in the present.</div>
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I plan to be the best version of myself when I look in the mirror before it moves.<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-37328623144429948052019-08-12T22:52:00.000+01:002019-08-12T22:57:56.601+01:00Change Changes Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r_nfNmLVC1k/XUNV2f2F4bI/AAAAAAAARVI/IvvtNQCR940gl8jCEr3BZk6lZpDXFusNACLcBGAs/s1600/Mad%2BHatter%2BC.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r_nfNmLVC1k/XUNV2f2F4bI/AAAAAAAARVI/IvvtNQCR940gl8jCEr3BZk6lZpDXFusNACLcBGAs/s1600/Mad%2BHatter%2BC.png" /></a></div>
<br />
This is the simple lie: <span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I don't like going to the city. T</span>he crowds, the noise, the traffic, the hustle-bustle, the manic outpouring of humanity.<br />
<br />
Saying I don't like something, it's never enough to stop people wanting me to do it. More, they want me to like it. A city is an everyday existence place of wonder and vitality. If I can be made to appreciate this wonder and vitality, I will learn to like the city.<br />
<br />
'I don't like the city' is a lie masquerading as truth. And anything masquerading as truth is a lie.<br />
'<br />
It's true I don't like the above; the whatever coming to greet me as I step from unknown pavement to road to shop to carpark to station to a park filled with dogs that are not mine. Yet, it has taken me til now to realise the complicated truth: I am utterly different in a city.<br />
<br />
My city self is muffled, wrapped in thickened, deadened blankets from spare room beds and untouched cupboards. I see but through a peephole, I hear but through levels of woven wool. My feet trip as I navigate the city, and the blanket falls from pavements, ricocheting off strangers who know the way. My arms struggle to move as I wrap and unwrap my layers of protection, like I am trying to perfect some unlearnt spell to keep me safe.<br />
<br />
My thoughts are wrapped too, a pass-the-parcel multi-wrap of outer mind, inner layers, surprise discoveries as I work on, waiting to see the hidden prize. Muffled words slip out of me, my usual struggle to be a real person completely sidestepped by a blanketed mouth and an unwieldy, cloth-covered tongue.<br />
<br />
I realise partway through the day that it is not a dislike of cities, it is the changed <i>me</i> which I hate. Learning to love yourself is all very well, but what happens when the usual you, the loved you, is covered and changed and this new, wrapped, muffled, cloistered, smothered you is present instead? Am I supposed to love this too?<br />
<br />
Was it not asking enough to love the other? To learn the other's ways and know what she meant when her hands raised and her stimming finger raised with them? Was it not asking too much already to understand her wide-eyed confusion and ridiculous hope? Can it not be easy for once?<br />
<br />
No. Loving yourself is a bonus, even if it is beautiful: it is understanding yourself that is key. Understanding means knowing when the stim bubbles, when the way home needs to be shorter, when to leave and when to hold yourself like someone else is holding you.<br />
<br />
This understanding is so very hard won. To have it taken from me in the face of change feels harsh, like starting all over again, just for today. Seeing this other me, this changed me, even though it is temporary, unsettles the usual me and relegates cities to the dark corners, the withered days when 'I made it home' becomes the best I can say.<br />
<br />
Muffled, I step off another pavement and mingle with more crowds, each one full of face-after-face to process, voices to hear, music to screech, leaflets to take/avoid/take/avoid.<br />
<br />
It was a moment amongst this cacophony when I was hit by a view of myself from the outside. As I spoke, my voice another voice, I saw it was not another at all; it was only me, my usual me, my understood me but suffering terribly. I saw it, right there, the truth that I was completely overwhelmed and that this person who I thought was unusual and unfamiliar was simply afraid and confused, with nothing of comfort to hand.<br />
<br />
Understanding, it comes in bursts, I think. I understood then that although I was overwhelmed, I was speaking and stepping, I was moving through the city and seeing people and shops and hearing the noises and wondering at it, and <i>still doing it</i>. I was overwhelmed and functioning as well as I could.<br />
<br />
I was not hiding somewhere, I was on the move through the day. Despite being plucked from my world and dropped into another, despite the false steps and hard elbows, I was carrying on.<br />
<br />
My voice is muffled because my thoughts are too loud. The blankets, uncomfortable, heavy, thickened, are a version of my imagined comfort blanket. These blankets must be heavier and simply awful to wear because they protect me without hiding me. They are a buffer to keep me safe while my red shoes step on and my face peers out of the middle.<br />
<br />
Later, much later, as I stare out of the train window and visualise for the latest time my arriving home and going in, I re-focus on the view outside and watch the dark red sun set on the day. Lost in it, I forget where I am and breathe in the tremor of something familiar but greater than myself. It flames and roars into the sea and the clouds, and by the next low gap of land has sunk to the next day, leaving me travelling in the dark, and dreaming of home.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C7PIQAW" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" target="_blank">A Guide to Your Aspie</a></div>
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-62952661771715459102019-07-22T14:12:00.002+01:002019-08-13T21:44:07.677+01:00Have you noticed my shoes?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbJn24SVkmVIxjR8gVYf2hZwyavEnUQEIn4S7wpoaQTMkuoO2nnlYVUG3zx2eRIuibCWuocI1NSJreSJJMmHM7kng2mPgt512YoiqycTX_YvVDTzy8Ri3rwb5GGKEYYF_1XkAd759oG82B/s1600/colourful+shoes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbJn24SVkmVIxjR8gVYf2hZwyavEnUQEIn4S7wpoaQTMkuoO2nnlYVUG3zx2eRIuibCWuocI1NSJreSJJMmHM7kng2mPgt512YoiqycTX_YvVDTzy8Ri3rwb5GGKEYYF_1XkAd759oG82B/s1600/colourful+shoes.jpg" /></a></div>
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I'm wearing the same shoes again today.</div>
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Unable to appreciate the allure, the inevitability of many pairs of shoes, I focus on one pair. Many times, I have owned only one pair. Chosen for being able to walk without falling over (check), to be weatherproof (check), dog-walking (check), to fit my cobbly-hobbit-shaped feet (mostly check) and, best of all, most important of all, to stick on the end of my legs no matter what I am wearing.</div>
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Sorry, that last was a hopeful untruth. I always mean to pick a pair that will go with anything, to make up for the fact I only ever wear one pair of shoes. However, there are red shoes in the world, so I buy those instead. Red matches almost everything, especially if you don't care about matching.</div>
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I go to lessons in my usual shoes, and as the weeks pass, the usual shoes become a bit more usual and show signs of being the only shoes; the hero shoes who bear the burden of a person who refuses to deal with too much shopping or change.</div>
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Sometimes, near the end, I notice people noticing my shoes and I know they have begun to look too worn and weathered to keep wearing for everyday encounters. Still, I wait, unwilling to give up on my soft, beaten, comfortable little friends who have waited faithfully at the bottom of the stairs and slip on sooo easy and have become part of the picture that makes up each of my days.</div>
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Eventually, driven by holes that let the rain come in, I buy new shoes. The old ones wait long enough to use for gardening, as it's hard to let go. And so, for a little while. I break my own rule and have more than one pair of shoes - but still only one pair suitable for a society focused on the many shoes rather than the few or the two.</div>
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Last year I found the perfect shoes and this time they were green. They fitted, they laced up and felt like I would never fall over (another hopeful lie). They were good enough that I went and bought another pair almost straight away. I had two pairs of shoes! Except, in my mind, they were the same pair, duplicated to save me more shopping later and to revel in the right shoes for longer than the lifetime of one pair.</div>
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People judged those shoes. For whatever reason, and I cannot tell you it, lace-up green shoes, ridged for slippy ground, warm for snow, water-tight for rain and soft enough to contour my little hobbit feet, they made people look closer and have the quizzical eyebrows. Why, though?</div>
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They were less green than my red shoes were red. They spoke of dark forests and walks with happy dogs. They were clean, and new, and I could drive in them, walk up expensive shiny steps in them, go over fresh-mopped store floors in them and never worry. Why did they stare??</div>
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I have no clue, but it didn't deter me. I let them stare, left them to wonder whatever it was they were wondering. These friendly shoes were here for the duration and, unknown to the starers, had a back-up pair at home for when they gave out.</div>
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Now I am in red again. Mary-Jane shoes with a bar that velcros closed (we love you, Velcro!). They are more acceptably shoe-ish to people who stare but less acceptably red. I have light-cherry feet belonging to berries and elf cheeks. I swing them as I sit on tall seats, I tip-toe them as I wait for lessons to finish. They bring out the 6-year old who wanted always to wear red shoes.</div>
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If you notice them, it's momentary - Amanda and her red shoes again. Luckily for me, these shoes are the type to go softer and less shoe-shaped as they age. I'll buy red polish to brighten them, and by then it will be colder so thick socks will make them fit for longer. By the middle of winter I might need to admit defeat,</div>
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Then, readers, it will be the season for boots. And if you notice them, you'd better get used to them.</div>
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-66775404400404525742019-04-06T11:46:00.000+01:002019-07-22T12:54:06.433+01:00It doesnt matter how much I love you<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CwAhIGuM740/XKiEU71umKI/AAAAAAAAQKM/xVojvenVbmg_ja6UbqEe9psOzSxRi31IgCLcBGAs/s1600/girls%2Bupside%2Bdown%2Bholding%2Bhands%2BR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1304" data-original-width="869" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CwAhIGuM740/XKiEU71umKI/AAAAAAAAQKM/xVojvenVbmg_ja6UbqEe9psOzSxRi31IgCLcBGAs/s320/girls%2Bupside%2Bdown%2Bholding%2Bhands%2BR.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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It doesn't matter how much I love you, I'm never going to remember your birthday.<br />
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I tried writing it on a calendar, along with everything else that should be important. The calendar melted into the background, became part of the scenery, the notes on it phantasmagoria haunting the edges of my mind.<br />
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I bought a notebook, spent time finding one that looked like Columbo's little pad of excellence and intuition. It fell apart in my fevered hands, the pencil blunted, the somehow of it lost in my possession.<br />
<br />
I made notes on my phone and didn't connect with the interface; sending texts to myself worked until the text I needed moved up, lost in a marching band of things to remember, and when to remember them; so far lost, I forgot it might even be your birthday again next year and by then -<br />
<br />
I made myself a document, with an easily-remembered name, full of your birthday and the birthdays of everyone else I love and forget on their special day each year. I have no idea where the document is, I only remembered I had one when I was writing this.<br />
<br />
I love Facebook for reminding me when people have their birthdays, but you are not on Facebook. And how awful am I to rely on this privacy-sucking place to remind me of someone I love best? How bad must it be to need a heartless computer to remember you for me?<br />
<br />
I remember your birthday late, because someone who is on Facebook has theirs the day after and suddenly, finally, seeing their name, I remember yours and that I love you, and have forgotten your birthday another year.<br />
<br />
I used to say how sorry I was and promise not to do it again; tell you reasons; tell you I remembered the day before and then the day after, just not on the day; ask your forgiveness; reach out immediately I remembered and send you a flurried text of hasty sincerity, which probably mirrored exactly what I said the year before.<br />
<br />
And you, with one dark-bound diary and a pencil and pen for pencilling-in and confirming, what must you think of me?<br />
<br />
I know you love me, and never forget my birthday. I could fit all your possible allowances into this, the excuses and reasons you decide for me. That's all very well, but -<br />
<br />
I forgot your birthday again this year - almost. With an air of wearied triumph, I realised at 8pm on the Sunday evening and then took a moment to calm my panic and wonder how you spent your day. I texted you and said I was sorry (again) and I hoped you had the best time today. You had, and you told me it.<br />
<br />
Then afterwards, I promised not to forget again, knowing it to be a lie. But there is no lie in the love between us.<br />
<br />
I remember I love you every day.<br />
<br />
Amanda<br />
<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-67974477859288403362019-03-25T21:59:00.000+00:002019-04-06T00:52:10.112+01:00What did I miss?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1174ZQHzerc/XJlPD909uHI/AAAAAAAAQEw/gY2mGwsrErUQuAykFOtnmnoK4nFW-EM5wCLcBGAs/s1600/girl%2Bbehind%2Bwindow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1273" data-original-width="1600" height="254" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1174ZQHzerc/XJlPD909uHI/AAAAAAAAQEw/gY2mGwsrErUQuAykFOtnmnoK4nFW-EM5wCLcBGAs/s320/girl%2Bbehind%2Bwindow.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Imagine if you could be paid a bright, shiny pound every time you miss the subtext? How rich would we all be right now?<br />
<br />
I don't know about you, but I'd have jars and jars of those shiny pound coins. I'd have them stacked in the hall next to the boots, and shoved down the back of the cupboard with Mrs Nixon's china tea set. Spare jars, gleaming with hidden light, would prop up books in my bedroom and snuggle under my laundry mountain. Cats would sit on wide jars, I'd trip over the small jars, and the long, thin ones would stand in solidarity with the spaghetti jar on the kitchen counter.<br />
<br />
So many pounds I do not have! But I feel like the jars are still there.<br />
<br />
Existing in some almost-alternate, the subtext jars live on in testament to the times without number when I have failed to catch a point wrapped in the wrong coat; a point made unlike itself by being smothered in a conversation about something entirely different. I have carried on regardless of the soft, pleading innuendo present at the heart of someone's outwardly simple communications. I have left happy, thinking myself successful and them satisfied.<br />
<br />
Later, shielded from the edges of my room by empty, shining jars full of nothing but lost subtext, I wonder...<br />
<br />
Did I miss it? Was that x meant to be a y? Have I forgotten extra, essential letters from the mysterious subtext alphabet? Am I wrong again?<br />
<br />
What did they say without saying it? Was their face speaking? Did their hands say something I could not hear? Did I miss a subtle slip of the mouth or tilt of the head that was, in fact, chock-full of unknown offerings? Am I a fool?<br />
<br />
Are they the fool for expecting me to catch what they do not seem to give freely? Are they naïve in speaking a convoluted, sophisticated tongue with no resemblance to what comes out of my mouth, let alone out of theirs? Are they simply unjust in their expectation that, whatever they actually say, I will understand what was unsaid?<br />
<br />
I don't know, I am almost past caring. I will be glad when the shiny jars have done with me and I can leave the laundry mountain to pile comfortably on the floor and nothing else. Let my boots have the space by the door, let the cats sit in the sunshine window and not miss the cumbersome, onerous, everywhere jars full of other people's subtext.<br />
<br />
Let my only subtext be in poetry, written with intent, well-meant trickery built between reader and poet. Let me study this subtext, which I learned long ago and remember now. Please let me not have to study any more of this jar-bursting, heart-sinking, space-crushing subtext coming from other people.<br />
<br />
If I had a pound each time I missed the subtext then I would know when I missed it, and worry more than I do now. Let's leave the pounds with the jars in their almost-alternate universe, while here the space is relinquished to those parts of life which need it most.<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-35769999048986991082019-02-09T19:10:00.000+00:002019-02-09T19:21:17.426+00:00I'm normally more normal than this<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t1C2qyjLhqk/XF8ler5wZrI/AAAAAAAAP8M/4HTG2BVuB1cUgVoZ2rhuiSHOptMICPXaACLcBGAs/s1600/witch%2Bagainst%2Btree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="319" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t1C2qyjLhqk/XF8ler5wZrI/AAAAAAAAP8M/4HTG2BVuB1cUgVoZ2rhuiSHOptMICPXaACLcBGAs/s320/witch%2Bagainst%2Btree.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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I walk through the door, slipping on their front step and forget to speak to the humans first. Why is it that dogs are so magnetic? Why do I forget that people expect communication when I enter their home?<br />
<br />
Further in and I swing my bag away from the tantalising hall table, kneeing myself with it and sheering off like I've been at the whisky. Luckily, they don't see this; only the dog sees it, and we are already friends.<br />
<br />
Later, what seems like much later, (it's been 5 minutes), I am seated at a table with a young human who needs expert help with their educational problems. What they get instead is an expert eccentric who wants to help them enjoy learning. With time, we meet somewhere in the middle.<br />
<br />
Poetry looms - I always start with poetry, it breaks down barriers as well as the spirit of recalcitrant teenagers. Then we argue over how many words are too many and I am accused by more confident students of being harsh, I am not harsh, blame Dickens.<br />
<br />
I smile at their parents, gratefully accept cups of tea and coffee, react excitedly to cake and biscuits. I try to only talk about the weather and fail almost every single week. I try to explain what we have done in the lesson without it sounding like we had a great time - most parents don't pay so their child can have a great time, they're here to learn.<br />
<br />
At some stage, I will produce a picture of my dog.<br />
<br />
Leaving, I veer away from the hall table and instead bounce off an unexpected wall. Gathering my bag, myself and their dog trot the rest of the way to the front door and I stumble out into the night, alive and overfull of relief at escaping. One last, longing glance from the dog and I am forgotten - I hope.<br />
<br />
If I like them, if they like me, if I forget, or have too much coffee or too little sleep; I will become recognisably myself and their eyes will widen at the sight of this well-intentioned stranger they think might be me. Then, diverted by practised pretended normality, they relax back into the world we know and think themselves mistaken.<br />
<br />
Feeling like a witch at the gates, I hide what is in my bag, tuck my hair into my hat and carry on as before, hoping my green stockings and warts do not give me away. Next time I will plan ahead and wear the other hat, and yellow stockings, and then no one will know.<br />
<br />
I am normally more normal than this. Or at least, they become used to the less-normal me they meet each week. We might reach a stage where their eyes don't widen and they move the hall table behave I arrive. And there will be cake waiting.<br />
<br />
Every day I do this, I wonder where I am, holding on for the solid, tangible moments when my light shines through.<br />
<br />
Amanda<br />
<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-37907746782931854242018-12-02T09:41:00.000+00:002018-12-02T20:44:37.103+00:00Aspies Hate Christmas...?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9scVTHFx5fE/XAOiv1hMBeI/AAAAAAAAP5o/RXNSizQQE1U7G6mVl6sOrWBM5etAN8l0gCLcBGAs/s1600/Aspies%2BHate%2BChristmas%2Bcover%2BLULU.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9scVTHFx5fE/XAOiv1hMBeI/AAAAAAAAP5o/RXNSizQQE1U7G6mVl6sOrWBM5etAN8l0gCLcBGAs/s320/Aspies%2BHate%2BChristmas%2Bcover%2BLULU.png" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's not just about Christmas!</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">People on the Spectrum often struggle with social anxiety, and with what is expected when it comes to other people. In turn, their loved ones struggle in knowing what to do to help.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Not all aspies feel the same way about all social expectations and events. Or about people, life, potatoes, walks in the park, Netflix binge-watching or Stranger Things. We are all individuals. This book is a starting point, a clearer look at how it feels to be trapped in the middle of a social experience even though the door is right over there.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The perfect solution doesn't often exist, and if it did, don't you think we'd have found it already? Let us lean towards the <i>imperfect</i> solutions, the ones that make life okay, make it softer when expectations hit and easier to say No.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Written for aspies and their best beloveds, families and friends, both views of social life appear in the book, the one we are 'supposed' to have and the one we can find once we relax into our true selves.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; display: inline !important; float: none; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I can't tell you everything, only people can do that - and then they can only tell you about themselves. This book is a step towards understanding the full stop at the door, the plea not to leave the car, the absence of an aspie when you are all ready to go.</span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #b00000;"></span>Most of all, I want you to remember you can say Yes as well as No.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #333333; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-62681697674942289552018-09-11T09:53:00.000+01:002018-10-26T08:39:44.696+01:00It's not my birthday<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0irJnLBkmjM/W5eBhy1nG5I/AAAAAAAAPHc/LO5j8hGHWTQA7zb2N6iNOe5QFlNXUqyjQCLcBGAs/s1600/bubbles%2Bfloating%2Bspinner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0irJnLBkmjM/W5eBhy1nG5I/AAAAAAAAPHc/LO5j8hGHWTQA7zb2N6iNOe5QFlNXUqyjQCLcBGAs/s1600/bubbles%2Bfloating%2Bspinner.jpg" /></a></div>
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Un-birthday, non-birthday, just another day - all of them sound better than saying, 'It's my birthday'.</div>
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Birthdays are regular, inescapable events that roll round, bringing with them the equally regular and inescapable expectations of other people.</div>
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"What are you doing for your birthday?"</div>
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"What are you getting for your birthday?"</div>
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"Are you treating yourself? We went away to Paris for my birthday and next year I'm getting Jim an experience day on a helicopter."</div>
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I know that last one is quite specific, but people do very specific, special things for their birthday, often trying to top what has gone before or create dramatic experiences to celebrate coming, screaming into this world.</div>
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For my birthday I am always reminded of the Hobbit approach to birthdays where the birthday person is expected to arrange a big party for everyone and buy presents for all the people in their life. I actually like (LOVE) the idea of giving other people presents instead of receiving them myself, but setting the focus on others is what birthdays feel like.</div>
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I have to appear to be happy (It's your birthday!)</div>
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React suitably to presents (I could love them and still only look vaguely pleased)</div>
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React suitably to visitors (open the door for a start)</div>
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React extremely suitably to going other places specially for an occasion centred around me (deep breaths, deep breaths)</div>
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All of the above are reactions arranged around other people but starring me as the central player. This is the nightmare of getting married all over again.</div>
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The eyes are on you at birthday time. Whether you try to react suitably or not, the attention is very firmly fixed.</div>
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And if you don't like birthdays? Well, apparently this is an alien concept, especially if nothing horrible has happened to make you dread that date on the calendar. The dread of the birthday itself is not an acceptable reason. You're also not allowed to dread the visitors or the presents, or even the singing - how can anyone over 10 enjoy the singing??</div>
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This year was different. My eldest son is jollying off to Japan again and will miss my birthday, so he asked if I would like an early birthday.</div>
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I considered it: the wrong day, not my birthday, only me and my sons here, a small array of presents opened nearer lunch than breakfast, no visitors, no singing and no going out with a face on.</div>
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I grabbed that early birthday! And spent most of it in pyjamas. I reacted well to the presents because, being my sons, the presents were exclusively chocolate and books, so, you know, no forced reactions needed.</div>
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I stifled the niggles of nerves first thing in the morning as the negative association of Birthday was strong enough to creep in when I realised it was my unbirthday day. Stifled it right down, faced the day, and enjoyed it.</div>
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And my actual birthday?</div>
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In honour of it, I might eat chocolate and read books. Or I might not do anything, which would be my own special non-reaction to the day.</div>
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And for the record, eldest son started singing Happy Birthday at bedtime, then cackled. Some things are truly inescapable.</div>
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Amanda</div>
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-61858531458255851562018-07-28T19:47:00.000+01:002018-07-28T19:53:08.675+01:00I'll build myself a house I can live in.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9h7KEJwAvilbpGJIEjfbmFKYj3DRzs9y-z4iRRwwMYLwzBLb_dzLIKsPVEowPAW9PDIgN28Cg0kQbdNXweVL48up9izhyphenhyphen5QRUSg_FcYgZ64Lam9Kk7XW7WfVMGoVAxatHM7qd_3L_YqiU/s1600/building+blocks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="319" data-original-width="480" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9h7KEJwAvilbpGJIEjfbmFKYj3DRzs9y-z4iRRwwMYLwzBLb_dzLIKsPVEowPAW9PDIgN28Cg0kQbdNXweVL48up9izhyphenhyphen5QRUSg_FcYgZ64Lam9Kk7XW7WfVMGoVAxatHM7qd_3L_YqiU/s320/building+blocks.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It's easy. I need these long ones for the base and the fat little square ones can be the corners, just there. Try some of the thin pieces and let's see if I can make a window happen without it falling in.<br />
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No? Well, I can use these square ones again and make a lumpy house with gaps for windows - all windows are different, after all. And then I have to think about the roof. Every house needs a roof.<br />
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Gripping the wide pieces - I only have two of those - I try to set them atop the rest and then it might look like somewhere I could live, or pretend to live. Tip them too far and they fall, drop too fast and they take the rest of the house apart. It takes dexterity to set them slowly and carefully on top of those square blocks I had to use because the other ones didn't seem to stay together.<br />
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Almost finished and it occurs to me this house has only one low storey and owes a lot to early man, if he had been able to paint everything he used in bright primaries. (Maybe he did and it all wore off between now and then?)<br />
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Bonus, though. My house turns out to be the sort you can use to reach the top shelf, or sit on if you have unexpected visitors and are brave enough to let them in. My short-wall house with a flat roof speaks of a steady need to make it safe, a small structure big enough for one and only wide enough for a modest door.<br />
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Little-me could live in there. The walls are a wonderful mix of colours, and washable; the windows never need cleaning because they are open to the strange, giantish world of Living Room. The door, simply a gap, might bother me. I need a door.<br />
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And ever so, ever-so carefully, I take up this other piece that wouldn't fit anywhere else and slide it, standing and proud, into the gap where a door belongs. Little-me, inside the made-up house, gets to look out of the window and pretend the door is part of the wall, a way to make an entrance or exit if I really need it, a barrier between me and the world.<br />
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Drawn to the colours and the smooth, tactile feel of wooden blocks meant for playtime. I am over the disappointment of not having the roof I thought I needed, or the right windows. The hard bricks are set gently, once I find out which ones I need.</div>
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My little house is all me, every brick laid there with care and consideration of how it will sit and whether it will stay in place. My house is solid, with parts missing I couldn't manage to fit or make work; it is full of colour and exists inside another, bigger house, where grown-up me pretends to live.</div>
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-15583088443166997812018-04-08T10:37:00.000+01:002018-06-15T15:30:51.767+01:00Do not compose yourself<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Composing anything about myself is harder every year, now that I care less about being composed.<br />
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Not-caring, losing the dogged self-consciousness lingering endlessly from the teenage years, is perilously close to freedom. But, as in any good story, the road to freedom is paved with many obstacles and exciting quests, and one of those quests is Do Not Compose Yourself.<br />
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This means not holding in the errant word or the spontaneous deed or the moment on leaving when you fall upon the step; or even the moment coming in when you ignore the humans because you like the dog better.<br />
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Do not be someone else, because to compose yourself means to create something new, to arrange the muted and unmuted parts into a creature made, considered, worked out by a hand quivering above the page.<br />
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Be the same old music. Fall over the step without fear - you are good at falling and mostly catch yourself on the way down. Say hello to the dog first, he is the most pleased to see you and it's a mutual love.<br />
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Do forget and eat the whole plate of biscuits, dunk them too long and spontaneously slurp a drink which now has biscuit in the bottom of it.<br />
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Arrange other people's cushions, they should thank you for it. Of course the picture should be straight, and if it will not hang straight, don't hesitate to explain why this happens. (Do not offer to re-hang it because you are probably just getting carried along with yourself, and remember the biscuit).<br />
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Most of all, enjoy being un-composed: laugh, make jokes, appreciate the jokes of others even if you have to explain to them why it doesn't make sense. Have a good time, see the other side, don't hold it in and don't be worried.<br />
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I'm not quite there yet. I need to lose that last bit of composing, the self-conscious urge to be alone and quiet and unobserved, even when I'm out in the world.<br />
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Unfortunately, not composing myself includes letting go of some of the ways I use to fit in, to seem like everyone else. How can I let them go after all this effort and methodical study? Won't I just fall apart in front of everybody? What would they see?<br />
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Something else that comes with time is the understanding that most of you <i>does</i> show through, no matter how much effort or study you do. You can act your socks off (if you can bear wearing them) and people still know!<br />
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This is where we come to a side quest: <b>people might know you are different but not want to see it for themselves</b>. It means when you throw off your composure and stretch in your new-found freedom, there will be some who want you to put it back on again.<br />
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It's not that they don't see the real you, shining like silver on the bottom of the stream. They see it, and are fine with it -<br />
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<i> as long as you don't reach in to pluck it out, risking your safety in the shallow water, risking wet hands and arms at least. And who knows what is on that silver? It probably isn't even silver, it'll be some nasty piece of something that should be left just where it is.</i><br />
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They will want you to put it back where you found it - <i>throw it back in then! Get rid of it and go dry your wet arms and hands and your face, look at your face!</i><br />
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...and there you are, with sunlight glinting off the silver, harsh enough that your eyes screw up, acclimatising yourself to the reflection of light on this piece of you, your face speckled with tiny drops like fresh-water tears on your cheeks.<br />
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Once you start not composing yourself, it's hard to stop. And there is no putting it back.<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-36928186263444043692018-02-03T10:02:00.000+00:002018-06-15T15:31:31.238+01:00Doing the easy stuff<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
I've tried really hard this week. (I sound like I'm writing myself a school certificate).<br />
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<i><b>Amanda tried really hard this week - well done!</b></i><br />
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I'd walk out of school, gripping it tight - but not too tight, I don't want it to crease - and it would be stuck on the fridge at home so I would know I tried really hard, and had it recognised.<br />
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As adults, we don't often get certificates, and if we do they are usually for something much more concrete like Level 1 Diploma in Animal Husbandry or Certificate in Pond Digging (intermediate). Compliments take the place of the gold star or the school achievement papers. We try and sometimes people say we've done well, they're proud of us, they care.<br />
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Problem is, as adults we are expected to do well without trying. Actually, no, I'm getting ahead of myself : we're expected to cope with normal life without trying. The difference between these two is a chasm sometimes.<br />
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I did well today. I managed mostly everything, and also ate, slept and went for a walk. I also did extra stuff, fitted things in, remembered errands that would make my life easier. But then, I also...<br />
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...forgot to call for my parcel at my sister's, mixed up timings for lessons, had to go for my old cat's food at the end of the day when I was so tired I could hardly think straight because I wasn't organised enough during the day.<br />
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It took so much effort to do the ordinary stuff, the ABC portions of the day, there was only a tiny bit left over for the extras. This meant I remembered one of them and forgot the rest - and the one I remembered (of course!) was food for my old cat.<br />
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Effort. Amanda put in real effort today - fridge. Amanda remembered her socks today - fridge? Amanda deconstructed a never-read Seamus Heaney poem and explained <a href="http://www.imtiazdharker.com/" target="_blank">Imtiaz Dharker </a>- not fridge, everyone expects this of me as standard.<br />
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There's the problem! It's not my Aspergers making life difficult after all, it's my easy ability with the floating, weaving, essentially creative nature of life that makes all he raw, sock-remembering parts of the day so tricky.<br />
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Seamus, yes please, and I don't care how awkward the poem is. Seamus feels like a grumpy old friend who I could speak to in the middle of the night and we'd forget it was by moonlight. Imtiaz - <i>I love you, Imtiaz</i>! Her poems are all about the weaving parts of life, the ordinary objects floating past, shielding us from what lies behind and making it hard to place where we should be amongst them all.<br />
<br />
Remembering my socks and the parcel from my sister's? Who has room for that? I want to have room for it: I notice much later whether my feet are warm and cold and only then know if I did remember the socks. And, much later, get a confused text from my sister, wondering if she missed my knock at the door.<br />
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Amanda forgot her priorities today: that might as well be painted on the fridge rather than stuck on it. Yet, I don't feel that bad about those missed priorities.<br />
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The essentially creative nature of life swirls about me like one of Imtiaz's harder poems, full of familiar words but written in such a way that you have to close your eyes to see them in the right order.<br />
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Let it swirl, let it become so much a part of my atmosphere that I live in it like I finally got the balance right and know I was meant to breathe in this shining, starstruck air.<br />
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Let me remember the petrol before the car starts flashing at me from the reserve tank next time.<br />
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<i>Amanda remembered today - well done!</i><br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-19245146061715092802017-12-20T11:15:00.000+00:002018-06-15T15:31:56.188+01:00Cats and Wolves and Call Centres<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have a self-imposed rule for dealing with call centres. The first is never to call them until the wolf is at the door. The second is to make the wolf wait til after 11am (no matter what time I get up, pre-11am is the dead zone). I've learnt from bitter experience that not following these rules ends up in mistakes and being treated like I'm 92.<br />
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Cue a call this morning. I'd been up half the night so my reasoning was to get it over with as waiting til after 11 wasn't likely to improve me in any way. Logic is great, except when it's based on 3 hours sleep.<br />
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I took it slowly, spelled everything, twice - I'm Cumbrian, and only the Irish and Indian call centres have any idea what I'm talking about. I was almost at the home straight and then...<br />
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I was asked for an 8 digit security word. It turns out I don't know any 8 digit words at all. Not one.<br />
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I sat there with tumbleweed blowing through while she helpfully repeated the request, as if I hadn't understood. That made me feel like everyone else must answer this one quickly, they must all know lots of 8 digit words. Why didn't I carry on watching Countdown?<br />
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I thought of my own name, as if I don't already know it has 6 digits. And my son's name - what is my son's name? Does it have 8 digits? I start to count on my fingers.<br />
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Finally, I say 'cupboard' because I'm looking at the cupboard and have realised, after reaching my second hand, cupboard has 8 digits. Feeling like I won some sort of prize, there's a pause and then a chirpy voice informs me that word has already been taken and can I choose another? (Does everyone sit staring around their room when asked this question). ((I bet they do)).<br />
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I told her I would write them down so I could figure it out and had a gentle but firm scolding for even considering putting pen to paper. They don't recommend anyone write anything down, because of security. This misses the fact that I hadn't even been able to think of the word, let alone write it down, so security concerns were way along in the queue.<br />
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It turns out some people are made for quiet waiting and other people are made to be encouraging. It also turns out that someone being constantly encouraging in the background does nothing for puzzle-solving and I cast about on the desk for something else that was 8 digits, with the cat staring grumpily over the top of the laptop. (Grumpily is an 8 digit word, why didn't I think of that?!)<br />
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Finally I found a word, which of course I can't write down and couldn't tell you even if I was allowed to write it down. I am more awake now, after this adrenaline-filled few minutes, but also feel like I was temporarily back in Physics class with the book open in front of me and the expectant face of Mr Griffin smiling encouragingly at me as I struggled to remember anything the rest of the class seemed to know.<br />
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Next time it doesn't matter how long I've been awake the night before, No Calls Before 11am. That wolf can do one and come back when I can think in words of at least 8 digits.<br />
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Or next time I'll take better inspiration from my surroundings and the word can be catcatca<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-43849490863754583252017-12-05T23:42:00.002+00:002018-06-15T15:32:52.809+01:00Living with the fails<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
I've never held back from criticising myself (and others, sorry!). I can't hang a picture on the wall without it falling off soon after, but I can tell you the picture isn't straight and point out why you're hanging it wrong.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't trust myself to hang it, I know it would fall and then, in my mind's eye, it falls on the cat/the son/the foot I need to brake the car. Every disaster ensues from my dangerous picture-hanging, so I don't do it.<br />
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But what about the fails I can't avoid? The everyday mistakes that follow me around and remind me how bad I am at such-and-such, how I got it wrong again, how I forgot <i>again</i>. What can I do to stop them?<br />
<br />
So come the fails. Imagine them like a row of grubby little chickens, one after the other. Clucking in protest or panic they run after me as if I can lead them home and safe. The fails, that little group who gather each day when I do this wrong or that the right way then forget it. There they are, just when I thought I'd dodged them today, rounding the corner with their pointless wings flapping and their little faces desperately seeking mine.<br />
<br />
Some days I could fill a hen house: other days I might only have one or two with very familiar faces and a tilt of the beak as if to say, When on earth are we going to see the last of you?<br />
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I run and run and never move, with the little group of fails running on the spot behind me. How can I get rid of them?<br />
<br />
The truth is, I can't. And even if I could, I shouldn't.<br />
<br />
There they are, flapping, squawking, showing me up when I fall over nothing, pull the wrong door, fall into the bank and stare, really, really hard at someone's chin until they wipe it and I realise I'm staring.<br />
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This grubby group of what went wrong today is nothing to be ashamed of, though.<br />
<br />
Today I caught myself before I hit the floor, I laughed as I tried the right door the second time and joked with the sales assistant on the other side; I fall into the bank so regularly I've started not to notice and...well...I was never staring at that chin.<br />
<br />
I was thinking of all the golden ideas I had on my way to the bank and wondering if I can text them to myself in the time it takes to get served or whether, on the way home, I should find the little seat next to the crossing and write them down there, before I forget.<br />
<br />
Later, as I sit on the seat next to the crossing, tucking in my feet in case anyone trips, forgetting the wind blowing down the street - then the little fails line up under the seat to shelter as they wait for me, or sit next to me and flurry out of the way if someone else wants to sit down. A rogue fail might linger at the edge of the crossing, noseying at the cars going past and wondering what to have for tea.<br />
<br />
You see, the fails are part of me - they <i>are</i> me. I can't chase away part of me, how would I know when I get things right if I never get them wrong? And how boring to be right all the time.<br />
<br />
Golden words are soon texted to myself (one of my fails is losing notebooks). I stand up from the seat and look around, discovering afresh where I am and when. The impatient fail at the crossing hops til I reach it and the others bustle themselves behind me as we cross the street and head for home.<br />
<br />
In my pocket my own words beep at me as the text bounces back into my phone. Much later, in my darkened bedroom, I look and remember the hard seat, the cold wind, the distant sound of cars and the memory of the day when I was someone ever so slightly younger.<br />
<br />
The fails nestle quietly while I read, content and unashamed.<br />
<br />
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Amanda<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-67107353680546471852017-10-11T11:23:00.000+01:002018-09-29T18:51:10.796+01:00When life seems unreal<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Sometimes being on the spectrum is like living half-in and half-out of the real world: surrounded by unreal people with strange, glimpsed motivations, left to figure out the plot at the same time as being a part of it.<br />
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Like a TV town by the sea, my own life seems populated by stereotypical characters who have their roles to play and know them off by heart. I have a role too, but I don't ever seem to quite learn the lines or know which door to leave by and when to come in on cue. Rather like the innocent niece or nephew on Murder She Wrote, sooner or later I find myself under suspicion, hoping for a kindly Aunt Jess to bail me out and explain it all away.<br />
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It's not just the people who can seem unreal: colours boost or fade, impressions of a familiar room change as the light is adjusted behind the scenes and not by any switch I can reach. Shadows disappear in a harsh light or gather in new places - how did I never notice before that dark gap between the cupboard and the door?<br />
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The light caught in the window, reflecting through this morning's rain, takes on a quality reserved for mystical waking moments, as if I never saw rain before.<br />
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I know people are real, I will have seen the gap before, I can look at rain and see water. But there is a kind of side effect, like an overspill, from using so much energy dealing with people in a way that makes them want to deal with me.<br />
<br />
If you look at something hard enough you might start to see it differently, and so it is with people. If you watch them to see what they do, to see what you should do, to see how they seem to feel and if it relates to you, they become more than people. In the moment, they become A Study in People, and when you study something you're likely to get good at it.<br />
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Except that people are different. You study <b>one</b>, you hope to know them <b>all</b>. It turns out you know <b>one</b>, and then usually get it wrong.<br />
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Studying has the ironic effect of separating you from people at the same time as involving you with them. You are close enough to study but might forget to interact: <i>being</i> human, being yourself, is secondary to <i>understanding</i> human.<br />
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It turns out that studying yourself is much more reliable. Other people change all over the place and are unpredictable, whereas with yourself you know exactly how unpredictable you are and often see it coming. Knowing yourself first and others second means you can plan ahead too. So if the other person turns out to be difficult, scary, inconsistent, undefinable, you can leave the reasons with them and worry only about your own reactions, reasons, motivations.<br />
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You see lists there? The ways people confuse are endless, and the ways you can work out your own self are also many. Can you see how trying to cover both might end up in the type of overspill where others, and the world around them, seem less real, because your focus cannot cope with the constant moving between What are they going to do? What should I do? Where am I going next? What will happen when I get there? What should I do then? Why am I upset?<br />
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Also unpredictably, people turn out to be amazing and kind too. You tend to find these ones by focusing on being yourself and diverting the lens away from working out what everyone else is doing and why. By being yourself you find out who likes you as you are, and not because you behaved the 'right' way and kept your mouth shut/opened it at the 'right' times.<br />
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As for the unreal moments, I've come to accept those too. It can be quite good fun to be the innocent niece or nephew - they always win in the end. And that dark gap between the cupboard and the door? Life always has those, it's just part of the scenery.<br />
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Amanda<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-41159567092371378082017-07-09T13:18:00.001+01:002017-07-09T13:21:53.546+01:00Through the wardrobe<br />
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I don't care about reality. You have it, you keep it and take care of it, and tell me all about it if you like. I'll pet it a little and pretend to understand, to know what you mean when you say<br />
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<i>The real world matters, we all have to live in it</i><br />
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<i>This reality is what counts, this is what we have</i></div>
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<i>I know this is true because I can feel it and see it</i></div>
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<i>It does you good to live in the real world</i></div>
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You have it, have the grand plans and new schemes, have the walk to work and the run to keep up. I don't want it. I won't answer the door to it, or include it in my limited plans for getting through today, for walking free in my own unreal, unseen world.</div>
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I'm unrealistic (apparently). I need to do these real-world, fact-based, hard-edged tasks to make everything happen like it's supposed to. Who made these rules? Does it matter if I fit in? Who cares if I do? I don't care, why should you?</div>
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Have it to yourself, you like it so much. You cuddle its hard edges and polish it so it shines in the bright, blinding sun pouring in through your uncluttered, shining windows. Have it where everyone can see it and remark how well done you are.</div>
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Later, when the sun goes down, plug in the spotlight and shine it on your reality so it can never sit quietly in darkness. Who knows what might happen if you let the night fall? Or if, tip-toeing into new waters, you lit it only with a soft candle instead of a harsh light. What might it look like then?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
How would its hard edges change in the flickering from one candle? What might you not be able to see? How would it feel to lose sight of the corners, to see the edges you had felt so often fall away as if they were instead something living and not so accurately measured as what came before?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Would you be afraid? Would you wonder what really sat behind the candle, looking almost as if it moved in the glow?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Would it feel, perhaps, as if the candle hid more than it showed and the dark room behind your beloved reality was really not there at all, had never really been there, had been a clever illusion held in place by what you constructed and lit and admired every day as your own besotted creation.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's a gentle grip that never lets go. I can't tell you what lies behind the dark or moves within the candle, or what it was that, on looking, had gone before you saw it clearly. Light the candle, it's better than letting the darkness in all at once, and let the room grow past what you expected to find.</div>
<br />
And in the morning, as the sun builds behind the glass, look closely to see if your reality is still as you remember.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div>
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-55968146931399812972017-04-27T12:22:00.001+01:002017-04-27T12:22:06.838+01:00What is the yellow bird?<br />
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<br />
It sounds like the start of a haiku, though then we'd have to:<br />
<br />
<i>What is yellow bird? </i>or <i>Is the yellow bird?</i><br />
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
which might be quite nice and lead to <i>wheeling high above the cat</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
then <i>safe and free at last</i>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, yes, I went off track there. I only picked the yellow bird title because I saw a little canary the other day, desperately trying to get into Asda (they know no better), hopping away from the anxious security guard and worried assistant who were trying to pluck up the courage to catch it. I'd been in the middle of a conversation with IT Girl and as soon as I saw the bird, off I went to see what was happening.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
This is a verifiable distraction: a canary trying to go shopping in Asda is a sight most people would find distracting. But what if you don't need the yellow bird?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What if all you need is a random key word in your sentence or someone else's to set you off in a new direction? Off you go, logically changing route (logical to you anyway), leaving the other person wondering if they missed something.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Or a key word that isn't even spoken. I'm <i>so</i> guilty of this, I think it and then I follow it. No one is ever going to see the logic because they don't know what I was thinking or why I switched from planning supper to expressing my thoughts on trail-blazing jazz musicians of the 20th century.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And pity them if they ask because it makes no sense to other people and they just come away thinking a random thought is more important to me than my conversation with them.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
This is the crux of why the easily distracted can make it hard for other people: shooting off in a new direction is bound to make the other person think you lost interest in them, because you <i>did</i> lose interest in them. Nothing personal, it was just this other thing, this sudden, golden-shined thing, it got in the way and you had to go after it before you forgot. And if you are easily distracted you forget a lot, so when a golden thought comes along, you follow it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Leaving your best beloved like a spare part and not feeling golden at all.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's hard to explain to people that one stray thought or word, tiny event or glimpse, sound, smell, light in the sky, shadow by the door, shape of your hand in the window, sudden remembrance of sweetness...there is no end to these distractions.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I love them though, and I'd be so bored without them. Imagine having a brain that followed straight lines all the time. Obviously I would never be late, but I doubt I would be pulling over in the car to write the poem that just started in my head. There are always compensations and if you are lucky you learn to appreciate them and the part they play in making you who you are.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
By the way, it's no good telling people you are highly distractible. Mostly they will say they are too (liars! I love you, but no!!) and laugh about being forgetful. Honestly, no, forgetful is like, well, oh, Uncle Jonas had his birthday today, better send him a message. Forgetful is not looping round the earth and back when you only wanted to go to the shop.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I would rather take the long way and be who I am than take the normal route, buy my milk and come straight home again. I have had many, many surreal conversations and experiences simply because I got distracted and surreal can be good.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Surreal life is full of colour and re-shaped, hidden meanings, of tangled connections that don't make obvious, instant sense. Knowing life is like this makes it easier because for all of us, spectrum or not, life very rarely follows straight lines, it is mostly surrealism disguised as impressionism.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And just like art, we don't all have to see it the same way.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Amanda<br />
<br />
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-86651796737702680072017-03-20T22:19:00.000+00:002018-06-15T15:34:26.641+01:00Tell me how I feel<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Sometimes I rely on other people to tell me what the world means, and how I can make a best-fit try at life. I have a habit of looking for opinions too much, just because things don't make much sense to me; it seems logical to ask the advice of people who do see sense in the whole crazy world around us. But I can go too far.<br />
<br />
I was asking my eldest son for advice, asking him what other people might do, what they might think, what I might do, and so on. I expect the friends and family of aspies can guess how this conversation went, it definitely belonged in the 'but why?' category. We might not say it exactly that way but we might as well be asking:<br />
<br />
But <i>why</i> did they say that?<br />
But w<i>hy</i> did it turn out that way?<br />
But <i>why</i> does it mean that instead of this?<br />
<br />
Frankly, it doesn't matter how many special interests and perfect understandings you have, there is always so much of life that ends up as but why.<br />
<br />
I was but-whying my son (yet again), this time about the feelings and motivations of other people and trying to figure out my own motivations too. I wanted to look at how I was behaving to see if it was the right way (I know, I <i>know</i>), to hold myself up and compare me to what the terrifying majority might do in the same situation.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a lot of questions and working it all out, I asked him one more question without giving it much thought.<br />
<br />
I said,<br />
<br />
<i>'But what do I feel about it?'</i><br />
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<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Up to then he had answered every question. This time he turned on his heel and looked at me, his head tilted, his mouth curved in bemusement. We were walking along a rain-sodden path at the time, dog happily bounding ahead, only each other for company. He stopped in the path after turning and replied,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
'You can't ask me how you feel. Only you know how you feel.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Starting to walk again, he partly turned and added,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
'You can't expect other people to tell you what you feel.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I stood for a moment longer, rain pelting off the trees either side of us, the shining wet dog dashing round me and on again, watching my son as he walked ahead along the path.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I was momentarily at a loss. Having expected this one more explanation I was faced with the reality that I had just asked someone else how I was feeling about something, and it had been a genuine question. I did want to know how I was feeling about it, I honestly had no idea.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I knew I didn't feel good, or happy. I felt confused, but that's not the answer I was looking for. Without thinking, I had asked my son to explain to me the mess of emotions scooting around in my own head because I had no clue how to separate them and categorise them myself. As he had known the answers to my other questions, this one must have followed naturally, even though I can see why there was no answer.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Just like a child I was viewing my son as an adult with all the answers - after all, adults know everything, don't they? I thought if I asked, he would tell me. <b>That childlike side of me wanted not only to know the answer</b> <b>but to have the comfort of being given the answer.</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
And it is comforting to know what we need, to have puzzles explained, to finally understand the answer to a problem we have been worrying over. To then realise some questions can only be answered by our confused selves is the opposite of comforting.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I walked on, catching him up, processing the fact that I was on my own with this feelings thing - and along with that, also processing the fact that there might not be a proper, logical answer to how I was feeling.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Feelings come from a part of us that laughs without warning and cries before knowing why. They don't have to make sense, just as life doesn't have to make sense either. All we can do is walk on, rain or no rain, and take it as it comes. Any understanding we gain on the way is a bonus.</div>
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Amanda<br />
<br />
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Amanda J Harringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01989462385916787963noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866788627800289234.post-40576653546286188102016-12-22T12:41:00.000+00:002018-06-15T15:34:49.011+01:00The Aspie Guide to Dealing With Christmas <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
How can you make people see how stressed you are by Christmas? Does it seem impossible? Can you not break through their glittered hides? Are they too caught up in the sociable season to even listen as you speak?<br />
<br />
If you are <b>stressed out by Christmas,</b> or even the thought of Christmas, here is the simple route to making sure everyone knows how you feel.<br />
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<h3>
Explaining this to people</h3>
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They listen, their heads nod, most likely their eyes glaze over but then hope swells in your heart as their spoken words seem to reflect what you just said to them. They understand!</div>
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...and then they behave exactly as before and expect you to also behave yourself (<i>not</i> as you have before) and be a full participant in Christmas. Damn! When will you learn to communicate better? (cough)</div>
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Using pictures and diagrams to explain this to people</h3>
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This feels like it should work. I mean, if they can't understand the spoken word then surely that means they are visual learners and will appreciate your carefully crafted/lovingly printed pictorial guides?</div>
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No, they don't, they're really too busy to look at your artwork just now because Christmas. They'll look later, when not Christmas. Well done, though, aren't you clever for being artistic?</div>
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(And if you can get them to look properly they often misunderstand drawings anyway and think this is some new phase of awfulness from you whereby you will be making a comic strip of your life that has to be kept on the fridge).</div>
<h3>
Sobbing</h3>
This also includes fleeing rooms, waving arms, hiding under bedclothes and prostrate on the floor of the living room, wailing like Timmy Two-Year-Old.<br />
Sobbing <i>should</i> work, I have used tears very successfully in many different situations (works very well for call centres, they have no idea what to do with you and usually cave).<br />
But when it comes to Christmas, your loved ones are used to seeing you cry so it doesn't have the same effect.<br />
Also, Christmas, they are busy, you know? Can you not just clean yourself up and try to get into the Christmas spirit? Or at least go to the shop for more sprouts? What do you mean you don't like sprouts? You've had them every other year and never complained. What do you mean you always complain?<br />
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...leading us neatly to...<br />
<h3>
Shouting</h3>
You can insert the fleeing room, etc, from Sobbing here, as shouting works well with dramatic show-and-tell.<br />
Yes, I do get it, you want to shout. Shouting would help so much right now. Get it all out there, right off your chest, bellow to the ceiling, the sky, the mezzanine level in the bedding area - shout, shout, shout to the many gods of your suffering and hope that, by some miracle, your loved ones will perceive your shouting as evidence of pain and actually do something to help.<br />
<h3>
Shouting and Sobbing</h3>
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To be honest, at Christmas these two seem to pair up anyway without any forward planning. It can be messy though, shouting at the same time as sobbing creates volumes of spittle. If you are prone to spittle do try to use it to best advantage by being near your audience as then they won't be as distracted by wrapping sprouts and sellotaping sausages, or whatever it is they are doing that stops them listening in the first place.</div>
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Try not to do it in the home of elderly relatives though as it can be:</div>
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a. Dangerous</div>
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b. Liable to become a Christmas legend, and</div>
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c. Elderly relatives, like small children, are much more likely to join in and have a good shout and sob with you because people don't listen to them either.</div>
<h3>
Explaining to other, kinder people who then try to explain it to your people</h3>
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This might actually work, though it depends on how persuasive and understanding your other, kinder people are and how much respected they are by your nearest and dearest. At the very least it cuts out on the spittle and these kinder people are not as emotionally invested so can put your point across in a clear, logical way that doesn't involve you having to dramatise.</div>
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Also, if all else fails, you could go and have Christmas with the kinder people as they might agree to leave you to yourself and push dinner under the door.</div>
<h3>
Ignoring everyone</h3>
This works best if you can do it from the comfort of your home, preferably a bedroom with TV/Internet and food arriving without the need for human contact. Pets can be there too (they also enjoy quiet places and regular food parcels) and you can sit in your pyjamas and drip gravy down your front without having to be polite to anybody.<br />
What tends to happen instead is that you end up in the midst of the Christmas celebrations and still Ignoring Everyone. There is a point in the festivities when your closed face and shielded heart is all you have left to give. You can do no more talking, conversing, chattering, answering questions, asking questions, being interested, not saying what you think, being kind to damn fools, not noticing when other people are rude and generally being some weird version of yourself that everyone thinks is actually you (I despair!).<br />
Or you ignore everyone except Uncle Simon because he is Better Than TV. He eats with his mouth open, quietly steals from other plates, hides food in his lap (where does it go??), drinks from his glass <i>and</i> the little bottle he brought with him (which he goes to the kitchen to re-fill), burps like a 10 year old boy, laughs at the wrong places, and hasn't noticed you watching him - and at some tome after 3pm will start singing. (You can insert other relative/friend for Uncle Simon, if the gathering is big enough there will always be someone worth <strike>stalking</strike> watching).<br />
<h3>
Recriminations</h3>
You will be castigated mercilessly for ignoring everyone. Rise above it. You did not birth, fully-formed from the carpet on Christmas Eve, you did your best to make things clear before Christmas. Your loved ones should know what you like and don't like by now, you might even have warned them this would happen.<br />
If you are listened to at all over Christmas, even by sympathetic people, be prepared for sly scolding mixed up with the softer words. Lovely people who want only the best for you will still feel entitled to explain why you might have tried a little harder to make Christmas easier for everyone, including yourself. Do not listen. If they had listened, if anyone had listened, you would have been in your bedroom with the cat/chinchilla/dog/Barry-from-next-door-who-was-on-the-run-from-his-own-Christmas.<br />
<h3>
And the best Christmas</h3>
is the one that is best for you. Much as you love the people in your life, some things are too big a stretch. Doing Christmas for others can be difficult at best and end up with the sort of behaviour that does more harm than good. Do make it clear how you feel, do say why you feel this way if you can, do tell them it is not because you don't care - do what you can. And then step back and have the Christmas you would like, as far as it is possible.<br />
<h3>
and next year</h3>
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seek out like minds or a quiet space and do whatever you like. For the real spirit of Christmas is peace and light and only you know how to bring those into your life.</div>
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Amanda<br />
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